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I knew it soon an intelligence, a beauty, to come to know, the image, the live liver, the sophisticate, the metropolitan.

Years went on, my secret crush, never dare dream, little attention given, why dare to dream of what seemed unthinkable,

In my teens, perhaps then, friends but not to close, limited by looks, circumstance, safer to keep away, a rare gift but to far to desire, classy, intellectual, the way I knew she moved with such a graceful mastery of everything she did.

A brief smile on a zoom call lit up, still small, the legacy of limitation.

Or the unspoken way an ex seemed to love everyone else but never her even if you never said the words.

and then the year, gradually closer, even then still unknowing, friends I thought, though I knew my true desire, Christmas and Easter, a birthday park withdrawal, too good to be true I knew back to history a beach trip, grew to warmth and by the meetings of the eyes one October night, I knew a faint hope inside.

And when it happened when Christmas came, at first distance, self respect, self protect, don’t hurt her, let her know, that day, warmth, her mind, the fiery spirit she had and the way the knew how to tease, the way she could speak with such a serious command and present as someone you could be honest with, still a one off, hope I see her tomorrow, won’t force it, tomorrow and by luck with her, playful, right I hoped it would never end.

Her offer but I had been hurt before, could I trust, I can’t trust, not anymore, I need control, I’ll get hurt, I’ll keep it still, keep the status quo, push away, return to my life.

I never did, a week turned to two and I knew what had happened, what always could have happened.

The dynamic urban go getter, the boss ass who seems to scream with magnetism, the gentle girl who radiates warmth and love.

And all I could think about was her, visions floated that walk, our talks, her aura, it was a window, a window to what could be, I know the life I wish to lead, someone to follow and to be followed by, someone to work with. With her interests, to see that world.

And one night, hidden behind my castle walls, I stood outside of myself, looking down, I saw it all so clearly, I made my decision, I let go of my past, looked at the walls and looked to the future beyond them.

A future I still look too, for she is everything to me, so in these dark days, with hope and courage I press on.
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