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#If_I_had_known
Known that you were leaving, leaving to never come back anymore, leaving to a place where no one can reach, to a place where no visitors are allowed. Known that it was the last laugh you lighten my face with, known that you embraced me for the last time, that it was the last time I heard you voice calling my name

Less did I know, that was the last, your last, my last too. Only if I had known, but nature chose to stay idle for me to live in hope, hopping for more of your voice, your touch, your laughter and worst, your coming back, only if I had known. I wouldn't be in this unending pain, I wouldn't be dying this much inside, for longing and expecting, expecting for your return, for just a minute of you, just to say my proper fairwells, maybe at least three words "I love you" just to comfort me, to be at peace

But I had not known and this pains more than your loss. The thought of you when all the world around me starts to crumble, and walls of life  shutting down on me, when pain takes its best shot at me, when life start punching me from every angle, when endurance in me depletes, I look to your usual sitting for your superhuman rescue but until my conscious make peace with this dismay, I think hell raging flames are better than the spot my heart is standing on, right now. Only if I known

Known that was your last, a last of me you have taken for nothing has ever been the same and surely feels  like ever will it ever be, known that you were not passing by as usual but this time around you were going, leaving, leaving me behind, maybe I would have left alongside with you, just to at least be in the same space with you, for I  surely feel alien here right now, nothing familiar and hopeful exist here, I ask why but pain and tears always respond, instead of you

If I had known, at least I would have prepared my heart to live with it, if I had known at least I would have changed my life plans where you are just the bigger picture in every part, but now the spaces reserved for you are way too big to be patched and that just ruins the art I had envisioned my whole life with you, maybe the art is never gonna be complete for no one can just fill your part, for no one can ever be you

If I had known, I wouldn't be crying this much, I wouldn't be blaming myself and God this much, I wouldn't be asking myself  these pain evoking questions, I wouldn't be  sitting here bloated with these heart piercing expectations but that was God decision and timing
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