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Sitting in my therapist office calmly she takes her pen lines it with my forehead between my eyes my eyes make movements back and forth following the pen back and forth a sort of pendulum on a clock back and forth I’m to imagine I’m on a train in a coach watching my traumatic events pass by me looking out the window watching my pains fears from a window seat the coach pulls in I get on take my seat looking out the window awaiting the carriage to leave it began moving I could see my surroundings an yet I’m constant with her instructions you are safe focus on what you see I hear the rushing feet of this man covered in soot the smell of smoke the year changes back to 1984 I hear the Fbi say he’s a very dangerous man he killed 8 people what do you know about arson murder a fire your kids are in danger will you help us my mind wanders I want to get off the train the road moving swiftly beneath the steel beams I’m afraid this man tries to get my attention I want this memory to stop the agent leaves my mind just by walking off the train the conductor startled me by yelling all aboard the man standing holding the bar why won’t he get off several stops now the train moves again another memory Ciro Gargano ranting raving over properties business conversations with workers discussing dynamite taking down a building the smell of the shop he knows I’m talking to the fbi the agents asked do you sew what I don’t want to be here next stop stand away from the doors his eyes staring through the window I keep my head facing forward I start to shake and cry I’m panting I want the exercise to end I can’t go back the smoke is filling the train I can’t escape I can’t breathe I hear my therapist say very calmly think of your calm place I’m rocking my calm place is Frauenkirche our lady of Munich in the garden my mind enters the faith dome I could still smell the smoke soot I’m choking he’s after me finally the pendulum back and forth breathe my throat is covered closing up I cannot breathe it’s only a panic attack I can’t swallow come back Yolanda you’re no longer there I want to get off the train but this smelly man is blocking my way why won’t he just step aside let me off your calm place Yolanda we’re stopping I can see burned victims on every stop trying to get on this train reaching for me what do they want I can’t help them the man is angry his energy unravels me I am afraid so afraid dreams night terrors memories I want these memories to end keep going we can’t dear the panic attacks are unbearable breathe we can began again next week I can’t sleep please I want you to open your eyes my head tossed backwards my hands are sweating eyes swollen shut tears rushing down my cheeks you’re safe we’re making progress you should be proud of yourself panting wiping tears we will continue where we left off let’s try and use your altar egos see how they can help with the fear so you can breathe swallow dissolve the fear and get past some of this does that make sense nodding slow breathing trembling you have a happy thanksgiving you as well
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