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From his mother’s womb
One February afternoon
and straight to the Situation Room
Hunter Biden, we presume.
His father, with his thoughtless clauses and pauses,
Captured the most prestigious of offices.
And angry was the Republican caucus.
The Donald, he got jaundiced.
And vowed revenge on those Commie leftists.

So he rang Roger Stone
On the secret Bat Phone
I need you Dirty Trickster 
For I alone am the true victor.
Be at Trump Tower, one hour.
Bring Nydia for Cuban firepower. 
Stone rubbed his cock so mammoth
Grabbed his chalk stripe jacket
And went to save the planet.

Then magically, Sean Hannity
Had the audacity 
To reveal our tragedy
(Reader, it’s tawdry)
The hero of our story
Had been groomed 
On a silver crack spoon.

Alas!
Hunter made history
Because it was no mystery
Whose crackpipe it was
atop the White House
Christmas tree.

And who has the balls
To roam the West Wing halls
And drop a bag of blow
On that bust of Ol’ Frank Delano?
It wasn't his brother Beau.

Such is your brilliance 
And your inheritance 
The executive residence 
Imagine!
The wonders you could do
From that trap house
on Pennsylvania Avenue
Maybe even replace Congress
with a petting zoo!

You get high
in polite society
No need for an apology
It's just pharmacology 

In Hunter, we trust 
the future off democracy
His cabinet? A veritably talent agency
Vice president Jay Z
Willie Nelson in charge
of drug policy;
Keith Richards
head of social security
(for all eternity)
Charlie Sheen secretary
of the Treasury
and Lindsey Lohan
your expert
on foreign policy.
Maybe, destroy
North Korea
in a bout of paranoia

But please keep
your stem in your pocket
don't let it fall on the carpet
During the State of the Union
Try not to piss on
the constitution.

Crackheads everywhere
take some pride
In our man on the inside
He’s from our tribe
sure he'll take a bribe
his brain is totally fried.

From one crackhead to another,
We love you Hunter!
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