Email Poem

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Poem
Hello I'm agent Brown I am not in  a good place

Hi agent Brown it's okay I'm here for you 

it's the dark place again I  can't breathe 

that's okay just breathe and talk sweetie 

I was doing so good until the nightmares returned 
reliving traumatic events the carbomb igniting my face
now massive tears again hearing my fetus heartbeat 
smelling smoke soot smoke filled my room at night

okay calm calm you're no longer in that nightmare honey

I can't breathe panting shaking drowning I can't breathe the nightmares will not stop 

when did they return dear

after my home was broken into resulting in identity fraud 
a few poems ripped about domestic violence poetry I wrote in a domestic violence shelter I know my ex husband and his accomplice in arson murder of nine persons is trying to kill me I just know it was the anniversary of the murder August 14 2003 my death was plotted my husband the arsonist and my identity thief arrived with a gunman to murder me

Breathe agent Braun you're doing great 

I had contacted the fbi about the break ins jamaican women dealers ripping pages from my mental health journal and my poetry I had no ideal it was Ciro Gargano the reason the fbi decided I should wear wires pregnant buying weapons and drugs from corrupt city officials resulting in many convictions from Jamaica Canada throughout the Midwest 

Stay with me Braun breathe slowly shallow breathe you're doing so good let me know when you're ready 

My chest hurt 

Okay keep breathing in and out in through your nose 
out through your mouth

Jamaicans were bitter I heard the female yell kill her she's setting all of you up fearing for my safety and my children the gunman rushes out his Tahoe with her screaming kill her he points his gun at my door I watched from my balcony Before he could kill me five gunmen 
shot him down man down man down 

Calm calm stay calm

I can't breathe there's a lump in my throat

Let's try and dissolve the lump think of your safe place picture it 

Panting rocking these are the convicted killers coming to end my life because I wore wires pregnant for the fbi I just want to stop them kill my ownself before the killers kill me does that make sense 

I understand you are afraid in pain your panic attacks are extreme which is your brain reacting to the traumatic events causing the nightmares are you taking medication

Yes I  am 

Good good So something triggered your response to the traumatic events do you remember 

Yes 20 years later the anniversary of the murder 
the female with the gunman returned with the arson murderer of nine breaking in my home searching through pages in my mental health journal ripping poetry again poetry about my ptsd my brain injury my being a domestic violence victim exposing this to my ex abuser I  have a new medication now 

Try and stay focused on here and now many under cover agents suffer the very same illness it's a blessing you're in treatment talk therapy always helps I'm happy you reached out

So am I I usually write in my journal but since the intrusion break in tampering with my writings I am afraid to put my writings on my night stand for fear when I go to the doctors they will break in again and exploit my mental health again thank you for your service 

Oh no that's why I'm here dear to help thank you for your service try to remember you are loved by so many people your family your country are you out of that dark place now

I'm feeling more relaxed like I'm back inside myself but fragile like a broken antique teak wood table shaking with a cup of tea on it waiting to drop it spilling tea everywhere does that make sense

Yes indeed agent Brown it makes a lot of sense well is there anything else I can help you with

No you've been very helpful again thank you for your  service have a blessed day

Thank your service agent Braun pleasure speaking with 
you have great day.
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