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Pain settles in quite instantly your senses 
are totally unprepared for this graveness
the notion to sleep sets in like an energetic 
twilight phase the injury abruptly strangles 
thought my ears are always ringing with this 
strange metallic taste on my tongue my limbs 
are numb I weep a lot for no reasons out burst 
of grief for the person I once was before this
 
car bomb ignited my face crushing all the bones 
in my face my eye socket fell into my cheek 
I remember seeing this pinkish beige substance on 
the windshield and dashboard amazingly I glance 
in the mirror and saw my eye dangling underneath 
I noticed the pinkish beige substance had been blown 
out splattered across the vehicle I began piecing 
it back under my eye packing it like play doe 

fixing my face in shock everything went cold on 
this warm day citrus aroma covered the highway 
from rows of orange groves melancholy matter 
this feeling is ongoing through medical treatment 
cognitive teaching an yet pain and suffering 
continues ignited by light sound taste severe 
stress I awaken to death my untimely death I 
envision myself deceased even thou I know
 
I survived the bones in my skull bites the nerve 
endings as I'm rushed into a dark place isolated 
no sound I'm empty lost receiving twelve nerve 
block injections every month painful struggling 
with anxiety depression ptsd panting panic attacks 
getting some solace from medications as I awake 
sleeping I sleep awake dreaming while awake 
DAYTIME SLEEP APNEA takes over i want 
to vomit pain creeps 

across my forehead attaching to the actual 
impact where my head slammed I wonder who 
I am in this state of brain injury healing brings 
comfort a weary gesture over shadows my waking 
hours I feel numb afraid to feel anything due to 
the long lasting effect borrowed from my mind 
captured in a sullen notion of health crying hurts
my head honesty I'm thinking of dying as a relief

the end of severe traumatic headaches the 
physical sleep state to allow my brain respite
quiet time away from the wrath of pain of suffrage
I saw myself deceased again i could see on lookers
saying she looks so natural why no one knew the 
extent of her pain she's in a better place now 
her pain and suffering is no more fear sets in
arouses me to try and move my legs am I

dreaming why can't I move my legs cataplexy 
I struggle to move them but they are weak 
and very heavy gravely I realize I want to live 
I should want to live what will my family think 
was she a coward to want to leave us she was 
so upbeat happy laughing all the time suffering 
so horribly I'm in a state grateful for great doctors 
not grateful living with pain mental diseases
 
emotional diseases flash backs wearing wires 
pregnant for the FBI brutal beatings from 
domestic violence oh how strong she is how 
she survived living in a state of panic hated 
I don't like her timid afraid broken bruised
lifeless brain dead can she here us can she feel 
the pokes her eyes are blinking her limbs 
are jerking wake up agent Braun wake up 

we're all here we're not going to let you die 
I think to myself I'm already dead trying not 
to disappoint my neurologist who always say 
you're so brave my psychiatrist tells me 
you're doing so much better my therapist 
say's you've come along way an yet deep 
sadness overwhelming tears tears tears 
puffy eyes ears ringing a new day same dawn
 
it's okay not to feel good all the time it's okay 
to be sad alone afraid masking it all by one 
great big smile followed by I'm okay I'm blessed 
knowing i am totally drained on a ledge afraid 
to actually jump i don't dare go out in traffic 
nearly walked in front of a bus in that moment 
i knew it would be over quickly but what if I'm 
blessed enough to survive even more pain so 

I abandoned that kind of harsh sudden death
my brain hurt filled with sheer confusion achiness
shadows my existence medication quickly blocks 
suicide thoughts replacing them by forced rushing 
memory of my calm place Frauenkirche our lady of 
Munich seated in the garden pollen tickles my nose 
i sneeze and laugh a little a giant plane goes over 
head i embrace the return of yet another traumatic
 
event the smell of flowers replaced with smoke 
i don't like it here don't take me there i don't want to 
remember buildings burning screams wails sirens 
panting going undercover wearing wires for the FBI 
hearing my fetus heartbeat thee arsons vaguely i 
try and stay focused on the here and now my calm 
place my eyes are closed soothing myself but the 
pain in my head is drifting backwards renouncing
coping my mind struggles to think without pain to 

breathe without panting would be the greatest 
achievement so i try it deep at first then shallow 
deep then shallow tears roll panic attacks always 
seems to make me cry because i feel like my 
breath is being taking away it's returning to normal
there's a small heavenly hue in view faint hues 
I seek solace and peace falling in love with myself 
again i want to hold her and say I'm so sorry 

I frightened her she is very kind to me we've 
been through so many challenges and she's never 
ever left me this state is tricky for me due to 
several altar egos they rarely appear only during 
fight flight panic mode when i just cannot function 
without breaking down my therapist said there 
could be at least seven different races and ages
the youngest one is indeed the strongest we all 

protect her i won't name her she's just the kidd
Mary me full of grace usually causes the weeping she's 
so sensitive but the weeping takes my breath away 
my throat closes up my therapist is startled today we 
are all staring back at her she's fascinated I'm stuck 
panting breathing panting breathing my eyes are so puffy 
rubbing my hands together I'm filled with fear my 
heart racing reliving madness wrath traumatic events 
this sends signals to thee other alter egos saving me 
from the sudden onset of my very own wonderful death
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