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Resolved was I to exercise,
To utmost try to slenderize.
From flabby bod I'd poundage peel
To Grecian god beneath reveal.

But soon my straining torso frail
Becomes complaining, moaning male.
I parts exert unused for years,
Resulting hurt benumb with beers.

To tone my sinews, first I stretch.
Then phone to paramedics fetch.
Just sorry sighs remain from squats
As throbbing thighs get daily shots.

I jumping jacks abandon, too,
Lest heart attacks severe ensue.
And ill-advised was somersault.
I agonized and asp'rin bought.

My hopes have ended it appears,
But vision splendid perseveres.
I'll hunk in shorts, admired and slim,
Achieve by sports instead of gym.

But skateboard ramps bring muscle cramps.
Heaved bowling balls great groaning cause.
Midst smoke and smog, I coughing jog;
And lifting weights distress creates.

On bikes I speed, then ointment need.
When skating, fall and aching crawl.
If rowing fast, I'm quickly gassed.
Done swimming laps, I next collapse.

As part of goal to blubber pare
I swallow whole some frightful fare.
I fast food ban and diet plan,
But cannot stand its flavors bland.

It's too extreme to steaks refuse,
Forbid ice cream and buns and booze.
To every meal eat beans and kale
Is dread ordeal that's doomed to fail.

I'll quit improvements causing stress.
Most tiring movements will be chess.
Resembling mummy wrapped in tape,
I'll stay a rummy out of shape.

I'll banish greens, no broth consume,
Buy jumbo jeans, and sloth resume.
For good retire to cuddly couch;
No more perspire nor utter ouch.

         *     *     *     *     *

     (Merely farcical jesting, not
      advocacy of idle gluttony)

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