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Psychologically still thirteen 

Ordinarily meaning pre Internet days
familiarization with me would entail
bringing the avid listener 
into my private mancave hideaways
less a physical place than a juncture in relationship, 
(whereby one or the other of us) 
would  adopt the guise of liaise
to gently coax (seal) along trust,  
whereby ye might interject supportive praise
spurring me acknowledge takeaways
baring my soul analogous 
to shine on me (comfortably numb) 
body electric mimicking x-rays.

Greetings fair lass 
without any fanfare from this common man,
(albeit a married sexagenarian)
writing  another prefabricated blurb
(ad) aware that patience may be in short supply
regarding whoe eyes alight on these words.

A non malingering effect 
from angst riddled adolescence 
written into nooks and crannies 
of sixty plus shades of gray matter
delineating, housing, limning 
pounding, and tormenting mein kampf 
these three score and four orbitz
brutally subjected psyche
(analogous to post  traumatic stress disorder)
with  noxious and ferocious 
blistering and battering browbeating, 
(but kept on ticking)
viz shell shocking absorbed courtesy 
sixty plus four shades of gray matter
testament as clear water credence,
which wretched psychological 
consignment as veritable verbal whipping post
spanned mine impressionable 
living (social) years decades ago, 
the psycho (babbling) social mental events
left indelible imprint etched 
blackened barbs upon my rubber soul 
ova this pa soon after he made his debut 
(out the birth canal)
on a win tree January thirteenth day hence,
though a survivor of self starvation 
i yam confounded as an older pence
sill necked geek, what drove dead set 
emotional, physical and spiritual sense
less (and socially costly) 
ambition to die with fervency
that invariably disallowed 
being linkedin to other gals or gents
enduring the quotidian onslaught of this immense
lee debilitating illness of the mind, 
where emaciation revealed abs - sense
of properly healthy flesh, 
which grim reaper insignia 
viz skull and cross bones readily
underscored with dark shadows, where 
edge of night descended 
once upon upon a time countenance 
of happy go lucky boy, 
whose spunk forever snatched out his body 
still self evident today,
how yours truly corporeal deportment 
exhibits non verbal body language 
being noticeably physically tense.

Despite fifty one birthdays elapsed 
since cataclysmic eruption rent asunder
while civil war within self notched 
(experiencing an arrow escape), pitted, and rutted
ironclad maiden of deathly hallows clasped
psyche, an internal maelstrom wrenched 
worthiness pitting mien as blunder
bulldozing with razor blades 
former childhood wondrous glee raising suicide
quiet riotous ambition, a painfully slow 
(self starvation) mine inexorable ride
left yawning stunted chasm 
webbed, whirled and wide,

which chronological Grecian frieze 
kept hog-tied with iron rail
grippe, and hide bound this one grown male
dredging haunting spectre – 
as if yours truly barely survived 
a brutish, nasty and shortish gale
proper healthy development did fail
drudge er re: with every exhale
where to be gratefully dead – 
within Elysian dale.

After helping beget second of two offspring,
which punim afflicted with developmental delays
she, the youngest o me two female progeny 
nevertheless segued untrammeled 
thru twenty plus four years 
on February fourth 
two thousand twenty three,
which observance of young people 
easily triggers flashback to wretched tears
sans that insidious roiling jagged stone 
shredding/ thwarting desire to be alive
shockwaves extant to this day - 
no matter long since recovered from nosedive

emotional, psychological & social repercussions 
hound me present mental state
indelible permanent scars 
(per anxiety, panicky, quirky tics) 
seem never to abate

try as I might to shake free 
from the riptide affects 
that drowned this boy to grow 
he experiences an especially perilous remembrance 
of things past, that abysmal infernal woe

when thee second punim o thine 
two lovely offspring passed that milestone age
with nary a hint how her papa felt locked up 
within his abysmal agonizing stage

impossible to forgive permanent harm 
inflicted not only on self but searing pain
both my late mother & father 
whose angst this dada insight re: did gain

from bringing forth his own progeny 
each a smart reed
exploring cornucopia of life experiences - 
unlike mice elf at their ages
which years eclipsed at breakneck speed
whereby each special daughter - 
daring to block and tackle challenges indeed
with greater rolly Poe lee moxie engendering me 
to announce L’Chaim 
qua greater self-esteem they did feed
evincing greater sturdiness 
akin to hardy weed

about stay'n alive almost
bound to surpass their papa hemming 
and hawing way and boast
(when and/or if they ever beget offspring) 
how coping with life coast
them manageable efforts 
versus permanently branding my youthful ghost
of Christmases past - 
when ability to function as recipient per host
averse to bing a guest, 
and easily mistaken 
for a stick figure or off fence post
forever knowing potential to die, 
that burned life force like blackened toast
recidivism in times 
of despair temptation to cease eating
attempts with jabbing knife pains to fork get

recreating duress, with hunger pains even to this day 
frequently blithely ignored as if still callous
tempted, lured and baited by hand of death 
this grown man wished inxs to kiss.

Methinks, I blithely shared 
most of this confidential information before
trying to retain the initial core
when Matthew dashed out the door 
up with greater clarity, 
that perchance numbered four
sentiment when (a near futile) 
attempt made bon Jovian jour
to evoke slow burning suicide less or more
This note originally composed, 
when psychologically poor
and slightly updated 
with minor tweaks to bolster and shore
to ply tire less role of taxi 
for youngest  daw tour,
whose most recent orbitz round the sun
as iterated her twenty fourth birthday already whar
February fourth two thousand
and twenty three.
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