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Lamenting life lost before mine untimely death

Last rays of wicked flickering candlelight
even to this present day 
(October 4th, 2023)
lxiv anniversaries marking birth
emotions of ambivalence self directed at me,
and family of origin diatribes still career,
within psyche of Matthew Scott Harris -
less plain as day when prominent dearth
of attentiveness, compassion, empathy,
et cetera totally absent 
without leave, and dear

father, (who art thou in heaven yet,
or the closest equivalent domain
linkedin with atheists)
approximately ninety one 
and a half years since expulsion 
out swollen womb 
of Sadie Harris' pregnant girth
housed Boyce Brandon Harris
approximately a dirty deed done dirt cheap 
orbitz around the Earth.

Since mcmlix, the year
of my parturition, an aversion
vociferously prematurely ejaculated, 
viz non verbal
communication as if...spark of life
extinguished within mine shuttered hearth
nsync with mother (long deceased)
vividly evinced sole son lack of mirth
matter of fact gamut
of all feelings except despair
(stayin alive until 

for whom the bell tolls) 
constricted self worth
gripped (strong as strangling
choke hold), where anorexia nervosa
squelched necessity to eat plus,
apathy to attend to personal care
spelled disaster (even impossible
for FEMA to aright)
psychological illness offshoots infected,
this entire body, asper blight

dulling that preschool boy with
his demeanor cheerily bright,
a pallor of gloominess enshrouded this lad
blocking, crushing, destroying... daylight
additionally quashing will power to fight
off thee mailer daemon, a deadly parasite
lodged evil doppelganger fought 
tooth and nail being  ostracized
throve to truncate more'n foresight,
considerably less self actualized versus

present pained realization, plus violent bent
evidenced by self starved
inflicted suicide, not gunfight
since parents opposed firearms,
anyway no matter, cuz height
of determination to perish (albeit
passive) exhibited pathetic might
effortlessly overwhelmed, since
corporeal defeated essence 
i.e. emaciated flesh light
as a feather defeated thru thine dada

decreed diktat, and
maternal instinctual millwright
both sets of chromosomes helping beget,
asper this scribe learning
late less a frayed
when gripping whipping cords 
which will serve you 
more than than ropes 
compliments of nonpareil
Fiona Apple McAfee-Maggart
will do to play right.
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