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Rum was feeling playful so he went to find a mouse
He looked in every nook and cranny right throughout the house
But all the mice were sound asleep for it was dark outside
And then Rum saw a window that was open very wide

A breeze came through the window and it made the curtains flap
And Rum was shocked when footsteps on the floorboards went tap tap
All kittens have good vision so he sees quite well at night
But people don’t and yet this man did not turn on the light

Rum was sure the human wasn’t here to have some fun
For in his hand he held a thing the TV called a gun
The man flicked on a flashlight and he said, “Well how ’bout that,
It seems to me I’ve got myself… a very fancy cat.”

Well, cats don’t speak much human, only ‘sit’ and ‘stay’ and ‘paw.’
But Rum had seen his type on TV once or twice before
He’d also seen a movie which his ‘mum’ called ‘Homer Lone’
Alas, Rum knew that kittens couldn’t use a telephone.

The human said, “You’re gonna make a lot of cash for me,
when I sell you to a dumb but wealthy family
Then Raisin leapt in front of Rum who felt a certain glee
When Raisin told the criminal, “We’ll see what we will see.”

The villain wasn’t scared because he’d only heard, “Meow!”
He guessed he’d make more cash because he had two kittens now
He reached for Raisin, saying, “You’ve got quite a lot to say,
Well, tell your buddy you’re both leaving in a bag today.”

Raisin said to Rum, “Have you done doo-doos yet today?”
Rum said, “No.” so she said, “Top stair… not the litter tray.”
The staircase offered freedom and they dashed up every stair
And Rum n Raisin giggled as they left their doo-doos there

Two hundred pounds (or more) of villain chased them up the stairs
Rum n Raisin sat there with no hint of fear or cares
The villain’s grin was evil till his upstairs dash reversed
He slipped on kitty doo-doo and went down again… head first

Rum n Raisin sped back down the stairs into the hall
The villain yelled, “I’ll get you, then I’m gonna have a ball.”
He got up but he wobbled; slightly hazy from his fall
He followed Rum n Raisin but walked straight into a wall

So now the angry villain’s head was well and truly spinning
He dropped his bag but waved his gun, “It’s war… and I’m for winning!”
The hallway’s parquet flooring was quite slippery when wet
Our kittens had done doo-doos but they hadn’t tiddled yet

So Rum n Raisin backed up tight against their own front door
But each had left a liquid gift upon that parquet floor
The villain shook his gun and said, “Consider yourself dead!’
And then he did a backward cartwheel… and he banged his head

Rum was grinning broadly and his smile lit up his face,
“Raisin, what we need is string, to put him in his place.”
Raisin knew exactly what Rum planned and so she said,
“I’ll snag the stitches on his pants.” And then away they sped

The villain stood and rubbed his head to see if there was blood
His vision was still blurry, it was almost clear as mud
He saw a catlike shape and shook the floor while stomping there
But as his seams unravelled he arrived completely bare

So when he cornered Rum n Raisin, any witness there
Would tell you that he turned up with no pants… or underwear
And while the villain’s face looked like an evil plan had hatched
I wouldn’t like to tell you where both Rum n Raisin scratched

So now the naked villain screamed, “I’m gonna get those cats.”
He didn’t know that Rum n Raisin had friends who were rats
Rum called through the cat flap, “Ronny, are you somewhere near?
We have a situation with a dodgy human here.”

Ronny Rat was sat beneath the streetlamp with his clan
They formed a little huddle and they hatched their master plan
Rum held up the cat flap and the rats all scurried in
And when the villain saw them he created quite a din

“I ain’t too keen on doggies and I really don’t like cats
But of the critters with four feet… the worst of all is rats.”
He stepped back but he stumbled, that was when he dropped his shooter
One rat leapt up suddenly and latched on to his hooter

That was it, the villain couldn’t take it anymore
He was screaming like a madman as he crashed out through the door
He ran off up the road with with rats and kittens at his feet
His squeals becoming distant as he beat a fast retreat

A car with flashing lights arrived, its front doors opened wide
A uniformed policeman and his dog soon stood outside
They gazed at Rum n Raisin but were unsure what to do
The cop said, “I won’t get a good description out of you.”

So Rum looked at the dog, who said, “My boss wants a description.”
And Rum said, “I can offer up a very clear depiction.
Your man wants a description, I can give him one of those
The man you seek is naked… with a rat stuck on his nose.”
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