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This is a poem to my BPD. As much as I hate you, I need to accept you are a part of me. That is not to say my diagnosis defined who l am, more that I need to treat you with as much compassion as I possibly can. You were barely a teenager when suicide first crossed your mind, leaving your hopes and dreams for the future far behind. Abandonment issues, unstable sense of self, self-mutilation and everything in between, when all you ever wanted was to truly feel seen. This rollercoaster we have been on together has felt like a living hell, but please give yourself a break Em, you are doing so well. Friendships, independence and your body have had to pay the cost, but I’m not angry at you anymore, I know that you are just lost. I know most of the time it feels like things could not possibly get worse, and living with this condition so long has felt like the biggest curse. You internalised your feelings of anger and rage, and you’ve been doing that from a depressingly young age. The feelings of guilt, the need to make sure everyone else is okay, when all others really want from you is just for you to stay. This journey of recovery is certainly not going to be an easy one, but future you will be eternally grateful when it’s done. As much as it hurts to feel like I could lose what’s been with me for so long, you would’ve slowly killed me had I let this carry on. The feelings mania, numbness and derealisation, often feel like I’m on a train journey that will never reach my station. Happiness and joy feel so out of my reach, and this poem is defineately not a way to preach. I’m still in the thick of it, deeply snowed under. But maybe some acceptance will help me seek shelter during this thunder. Whilst I wish my life had gone down a different road, it didn’t, and it is my job to now carry this load. One day I promise you will know who you are, but for now, remind yourself every day that you have come so far. You push people away and hurt them before they can hurt you, but luckily my family know my cruel and spiteful words to not be true. The black hole in my heart has made me feel so alone, but I’m beginning to learn that I am not on my own. I met someone who has made it through the borderline personality themes, and they told me life gets better, beyond your wildest dreams. So when life feels futile and you feel like you can’t cope, just remind yourself calmly that all you need is hope.
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