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*** ENDURING ***

(A Part Two about my recent illness, following “Lunacy Loo Flies.”

Fear
Stepped into the holes of my weakness
To impede my pace to recovery, 
Absorbing the basic radiant light —

My going forth walk had previously always carried
Since early childhood when chronic illness first struck, but
Good humor with hope and dreams were all well founded within.

Fear
Forced its gray presence,
Its present and  powerful  soot-grimed hideaways to 
Seep out from around the corners
Of the alleyways edging the blue—windowed skyscrappers of the city, until
I felt robbed of all my strength and resolution.  I thought
I felt shame in those hours, doubting the strength of my faith — 
Because somehow I was letting fear encroach over my spirit,
But my faith was not the missing diamond.  No.  And 
God has the hold of my soul with the name of Jesus weilding its power…
Not me at all.

I’d lost grasp of the circuiting edging of my self 
And my mind, with even my heart desperatex for loving company, but
When friends came, I did not recognize them.  I was wrapped.  A body restrained 
In a bed, being urged to eat to live; to calm my uncharacteristic anger 

And to stop hurting others, who were trying to help me.
Not even sensing my own spirit’s inner struggle to endure — so
Apparent in my past illnesseses,but this time the general anesthesia
Was taking a longer, greater toll, thieving most of my identity
And nearly all of my drive to survive.

To note fear — in my physical nearness to death — the fear wasn’t
About the dying, not about ”going home again” to our  Lord,

It was a biblically seen conflict 
Of heaven’s cosmic warring of the enemies of God against our 
Most glorious Father — enemies so apt 
To attack souls with deepening faith— as children of God —
The Father, Son and Holy Spirit.

	I would lean into the hope of my soul, pulling around me
The still air of the hospital room, ,in which I lay as quietly 
As I could with the pain, while asking Christ to help me find myself 
And my courage through heaven re-born ~
And praying then almost continuously for Christ’s mercy ~
Until sleep overwhelmed
With its blessed peace
Wherein the blessings of heaven will keep  respnding
To grace, to lift, to free from loss and fear.
The bleak trials of fighting more than enduring the adversities, 
Even with gladness of heart
Through every anguishing pain  to accomlish anything from
Sitting up  ro reaching over for my cup of water,
Were all given to pleading, praising prayer,
As I lay in the hands of St. Michael’s guarding, 
St. Raphael’s healing aid, and our
Holy Father’s  answering
I could, I would continue to wait upon the Lord to
Continue the walking work of my life’s meaning alongside Him.
Alleluia!


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(c) sally young eslinger 5/1-5/7/2023 poem & art
Drawing, “Mirrored Identity”
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