Email Poem

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Personal Note:

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Poem

Writing poems as the moods go round
Captures things never within view before
How nobody can tell that I'm spiralling away inside

How many times I write down that I need comforting
But don't tell anyone
The times I send out that message
In the real world but it's missed

How I note how many times people claim to always be there for me
I presume they think there will be a fanfare if I need help
My cries for help are imperceivable
Inside I'm struggling to breathe, flailing my arms
Externally I've just asked if anyone fancies the theatre sometime in the next 3 months or something equally non telling 
Then crumble and consternate if no one hooks in

My friend has asked for weeks should we pre-book seats on the plane
We've all said not worth bothering as a short flight and we might get lucky
Yesterday she said the same and we responded the same
Then she said, I'm nervous sitting on my own on a plane
And everyone immediately pre-booked seats together

I just can't take that step
Because I don't know what my need actually is
I could fly round the world alone with no qualms
But I'll sit with people who've asked me to be there, consistently for years
and fret I'm unlikeable

Sometimes they'll tell me about a time they relayed something I'd done to their family 
And I hear it like a review
People I've not met who love me via an intermediary
That can only mean my view of myself is the flawed one

What am I talking about again? Oh yes, feeling sad unnecessarily and how I do my own head in.

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