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*** Classified Ad — “Position Wanted” ***

  ((The following is from ad details written on the ad draft form submitted by the ad’s purchaser, who, while here was briefly helped by clerk ES Slinger, when client asked for aid to complete the ad. Client-assist recorded as protocol re: #R999))

“Position — Anything”
Eager for a change 
Elderly girl
A heavenly daughter 
Seeks 
A new, Earth-environment position
    For a minimum of minimum wage
    With medical & retirement planned
Unknown vacations are not prerequisite
Or hoped for

The seeker will work 
Very long broken-up hours
Without distraction from tasks
Eager for advancement

Applicant says she has a well=reported history
Is good at chit-chat, “able to occupy your bored clients”
That her sense of humor is “New York/New Jersey dry/snide 
Often self-depreciating” 
With a hearty laugh for even bad and “old” jokes
She notes she finds joy in even the very common things
“From like beautiful bright red sunrises
Or breathing every day”  So, while
Her heart is busy being glad
She won’t mind hours upon hours of 
Tedious scanning and organizing 
Your family and travel albums if desired…And perhaps
She’ll “offer to make paintings in, of course,
An abstract style copying pics of relatives or
Members of the company’s Board of Directors”
As her time permits

Applicant says she “knows the alphabet well-enough”
Is skilled with grammar and punctuation
Helpful for correspondence and company reports
Is “an excellent edittore”
In testing, she expects  she would show 
Her work on an adding machine is exceptionally slow
Due to arthritis in nine fingers, but
Thus she’s surely be more careful 
With all the numbers than others
She admits she types on keyboard VERY slowly 
    Due to near-blindness (although,she adds, to 
Keep in mind “Monet was half-blind when 
    He painted his masterpiece, “Waterlilies” 

She says she “has shown some talent for writing poetry
(But then, who doesn’t?  Or who can’t?  Or won’t?
Roses, violets, and…all that)

The classified’s clerk adds to official recorded notes:
She says she has been known to have some good manners
She seems clean
She stayed fresh throughout her Classified stay
She shows quality style in her choice of flip-flop’s
Seems compassionate
Believes in equality and is patriotic
Plans to take off every religious and national holiday 
But says she’ll “stay at her desk throughout every lunch hour”

She requests permission to wear headphones at work
To listen “to soft, calming music and higher-education lectures”

Hobbies are listed as: 
“Trying to Memorize the Declaration of Independance
    and every read word in the Bible.”
Adds a “P.S.” that she’ll “gladly babysit bosses pets
But not your children”

Drop interview requests to 
    The Paper Box XOX (~)#1, Thereby. KY 40001

*********
HO HO
YO!  Y’all!  This poem is about an entirely fictional woman seeking a job she could never be suited to fit.  There are many double meanings, like, “elderly girl,” and  “she stayed fresh.”  The set up at the classifieds offers “A Straightman” set-up to accentuate the extreme bungling stereotype of the woman.  I once worked for a daily newspaper. This also plays with the humor that I exaggerate here about Classified ADs.  This is meant to née my Christmas gift of SMILE FOR ALL OF YOU.  Big hugs, sally


———————————————————————————————————————————————
(c)sally young eslinger
Merry Christmas!
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