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Most people are shocked when they find out 
how bad I am as an electrician.

My wife just found out I replaced our bed
with a trampoline. She hit the ceiling!

I used to think I was indecisive.
But now I’m not so sure.

Light travels faster than sound,
which is the reason that some people appear 
bright before you hear them speak.

My therapist says I have a preoccupation
for revenge. We’ll see about that.

A termite walks into the bar and asks, 
‘Is the bar tender here?’

I always take life with a grain of salt. 
And a slice of lemon. And a shot of tequila.

I don’t suffer from insanity... I enjoy
every minute of it.

The last thing I want to do is hurt you;
but it’s still on my list.

Today a man knocked on my door
and asked for a small donation toward the local 
swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.

I’m reading a book about anti-gravity.
It’s impossible to put down.

‘Doctor, there’s a patient on line two 
who says he’s invisible.’‘Well, tell him 
I can’t see him right now.

Last night my girlfriend was complaining
that I never listen to her or something like that.

People who take care of chickens 
are literally chicken tenders.

What’s a frog’s favourite type of shoes?
Open toad sandals.

Blunt pencils are really pointless.

Two wifi engineers got married. 
The reception was fantastic.

One of the cows didn’t produce milk today. 
It was udder familiar

If attacked by a mob of clowns
go for the juggler.

The rotation of Earth really makes my day.

Pollen is what happens when flowers 
can’t keep it in their plants.

A book fell on my head the other day. 
I only have my shelf to blame though.

When the cannibal showed up late to the buffet,
they gave him the cold shoulder.

A blind man walked into a bar… and a table… 
and a chair…

How do you make holy water? 
You boil the hell out of it.
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