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Teacher tried to teach his class that Christmas isn’t boring
Half the kids weren’t listening and one or two were snoring
He picked out little Lucy, she seemed the one most liable
He made her prove she’d listened to his lesson from the bible

Her little eyes were glistening, she’d only been half listening
But she had not been sleeping... and so she started speaking...

Two thousand years or so ago, to my recollection 
Some bird called Mary suffered an inaccurate perception
She dreamt that God had had his way and now she eats for two
Her fella whined, no kid of mine is there inside of you

He said we can’t stay around here, we’ll have to travel far
We’ll bugger off to Beth Le hem ’cause she’s a little star
Well if they had a car, I guess it had no gas
For Joseph walked but Mary simply sat there on her a.s.s.

Anyway, they got there and the man who heaps the ink
Said this hotel has got no rooms, so Joe kicked up a stink
The ink heaper said settle down , I’ll do the best I’m able
I think you’ll find the manager, back there in the stable

Mary had contraptions, so her child came out a boy
She put him on the manager, which gave him peace and joy
Someone shouted ‘Who’s the daddy?’ (Quite an indiscretion)
Joseph frowned and looked around, Well, isn’t that the question?

Mary called in Jesus... three white men came instead
One had come with Frankenstein and two were off their head
’cause no-one knows what myrrh is and kids can’t play with gold
I guess I’d better fill you in before you get too old

You see the king of Harrods was killing little boys
I think his parents should perhaps have bought him far more toys 
But Harrods is alive and well, that’s fishy and suspicious
’Cause when you live two thousand years, that’s the mackerel of Christmas 

And when Jesus was older, folk had no food to chew
He fed them with some bread and fish, and that’s a mackerel too
So Lucy said to teacher, in a voice quite firm and scary
And that, Sir, is the story of the season to be Mary
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