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Words cannot explain this feeling I have deep in my chest… Some words I would use would be numb, empty, heavy… or just gone…. Gone is a word I would use for the question as to where my heart is… Those that deal with the struggle of depression often use the words; Lonely, emotionless, enclosed, hidden, not valued but one that catches my eye and this shallow feeling in the depths of me is the word “defeated” my time loop is real …. Waking up in the morning I look around at things I call mine, I swing my feet to the side to sit up and I  capture this image of the person in the mirror looking back at me…who is she? This person in the mirror looks nothing like me… She looks tired, used up, uncertain, drained… but most of all… defeated. This person has lost a lot, friends because of her own actions, family and loved men that has beat her, emotionally was damaging, did not value her as well as a man not valuing a ring he had placed on her finger. This person in the mirror never wanted to be married, never dreamed of a “happily ever after” but was promised one with a bent knee and kind eyes promising forever… forever never came…. Damn these torn promises, someone else’s sheets, someone else’s lips, touch, affection, laughter, a family……STOP! I shake these thoughts with a defeated head shake…There it goes again… the pit of my stomach now is empty, sharp pains and nervous quivers and now look, running to the bathroom again to the toilet bowl I go…. Nothing but damn stomach bile yet AGAIN…. I look at that toilet bowl and sit on the cold tile floor for a while, just to feel something on my skin... to feel just anything.… and I remember the time I was doing this for a different reason… A joy that was growing inside… and then I…. NOPE STOP!! Anther quick shake of the head… I stand…. I go back to room to look at the mirror once more… There again is this reflection of this girl I do not know…. But something changed in this reflection… There is a sweet boy rubbing his tired eyes with a smile on his face reaching out for me…. I turn and see his loving eyes, his morning yawns and his sweet voice wishing me, his mother, a good morning. As I hold my child, I realize he has a piece of my heart, the biggest piece you could have! My love for my only born is something that cannot be explained, this shallow empty feeling starts to fill with an overflow of emotions. I am not empty, unloved, unappreciated, unseen…. My biggest fan is watching my every move, he is sure his superhero will do great amazing things… As I hold my child, I realize it’s not that my other half of my heart is missing, no one obtains this piece of me but me, it’s still in me…. I look in the mirror once more to see me and him, with him laying on my chest we form a perfect heart… I need no other bond as long as I have his love, I need no other human for he, him, my son is all I will ever need. His love is pure… His love is True…. With him he completes my half … I am not hollow I am Whole…. I will wake up every morning and feel the same, but god grants me the gift after this loop to be reminded every day that I am the luckiest in the world because With you my son, I am never alone…. With you my heart is at peace and at home.
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