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Was it a cruel twist of fate?
Sneering, laughing chance?
Perhaps something I ate?
A bad bout of happenstance?

It wrenched and tore at my gut,
A sickening, sober, foreboding sign.
Wretched chance it was not,
This time was by insidious design.

The awful nausea,
Brought on by the thought of the pariah,
Is enough to cause ya,
A bad case of diarrhea!

It brought back the mania,
And scrambled my brain.
There was no refraining I,
Babbled insane.

But where are my dancing shoes?
The thought of it smacked me out of it.
Without them I’ll lose.
With them I’ll kick his butt in!

And what of my hat and cane?
Of these I will surely have need.
For my family’s bane,
I will give no quarter indeed!

This attire I wear will not do,
I must prepare my battle dress.
I will don my manly gown, I mean suit,
The clothes do make the man, I must confess.

His messenger’s letter in my post,
An invitation to the dance.
Ah, my petulant, impudent host,
Better take my sword and lance.

With my full compliment,
Of knightly armor,
Complete with accoutrements,
I was ready for war.

Off I road on my white horse,
Off I strode to war.
I don’t have a horse of course,
It’s just a metaphor.

We would meet at ‘Ye Olde Theater’,
I would arrive early and,
Oh no, he beat me there!
So much for that plan…

Now it’s time for plan “B”,
I would go and have a think.
There was no plan “B” you see,
I would just go and have a drink.

I walked into the playhouse,
He was preaching to the people?!
Why the dirty, blasphemous louse!
This isn’t a church, there was no steeple!  

He was dressed in full regalia,
Long robes to the ground.
Did he think I would not assail a,
Fiend in priestly gowns?

It must have been quite a sight,
The black robbed priest,
Versus the white suited knight.
Surely a jest, to say the least.

The audience sat aghast,
Both plans “B” and now “C” stink!
The people then started to clap,
And I took another drink.

Spurred on by the audience,
And my new “beer muscles”,
I was filled with confidence,
Ready for the task of the tussle.

I bounded up the stage manic,
And screamed, “Are you being served?!”
Well, the crowd went into a panic,
And ran around quite unnerved!

Was I too frantic, too in haste?
My introduction askance?
I shall speak again, more in taste,
“Will you, won’t you join the dance?!”

But alas no, it did not matter,
In anger, he began to rend and tear.
Blood flowed and splattered,
Flash and bones broken everywhere!

When the chaos subsided,
Not one body was intact.
It was then and there that I decided,
It was now my turn to act.

I was sweating, but played it cool,
My white suite now red with blood.
I cried, “You missed me you wascally fool!”
In a voice like Elmer Fudd?

His face got all distorted,
He raised up his bloody sword,
And with foul breath he retorted
But I never heard a word.

For I was far too busy,
Dodging all of his blows.
Trying to run away, dizzy,
From this nasty, evil foe.

I ran across the stage,
But at the end I stopped.
My rage began to engage,
Something in my head popped.

I swiftly turned around,
Cane sword at ready to hack and cleave
It was then that I found,
He was trying to leave!

I set off across the stage with a bound,
“Have at you!” I cried from the rear.
He never made another sound,
And simply disappeared…

This action at the present,
Really had me confused.
This major turn of events,
Did I win or did I just lose?

I sat down for another think,
And heard a noise behind me.
I quickly took another drink
And whirled around to find, nothing…?

Now I was getting paranoid,
My eyes darting around in my head.
Startled by every noise,
Of the movement among the dead?!

Is it true what my eyes were seeing?
The dead were coming back!
To the land of the living,
Ready for the attack!

I must of drank too much,
And now I’m seeing things!
My mind’s gone out to lunch!
My brain’s surely gone fishing!

I thought, ”Get your wits about you!”
“Brains! Brains!” they cried quite hoarse.
I’m the only thing on the menu,
And my brain’s the main course!

I yelled , “Run away! Run away!”
And headed straight for the door.
But they got in my way,
All of this was becoming a bore!

I swung my cane sword, hacked and chopped,
Heads were flying everywhere.
I danced and leapt and hopped
Bits of bodies whirling through the air.

My cane sword swung like a pendulum,
Slicing and dicing the living dead.
I had disposed of all of um,
And the door was dead ahead.

The living dead were dead again,
And my escape route was cleared,
It was at that moment when,
The priestly foul fiend reappeared.

“Coward!” I spat on his shirt,
“You couldn’t face me alone!”
“You had the dead do your dirty work!”
And I pointed to the scattered flesh and bones.

“Let’s come to an understanding”,
He said, “Some small agreement.”
I couldn’t stand this thing,
Begging for entreatment.

But instead I simply said,
‘Have a cigar…”
He hesitated,
At the strange offer.

I pulled one out from my vest,
And said, “I ain’t gonna hit ya mate.”
He stood in puzzlement,
I blurted out, “Like hell I aint!”

I pulled back my arm,
Quick and lightin’,
My fist clenched for harm
And stuck him squarely on the chin.

He dropped down to his knees,
And I drop-kicked his head.
I never heard his pleas,
As I danced on him till he was dead.

He managed to stand and dance the old soft shoe,
With his head completely gone.
His body spent through and through,
But still he managed to dance on.

Then the ground opened up beneath his feet,
I heard the distant tolling of the iron bell.
The ground swallowed him up complete,
And off he went down to hell.

I drank until I heard the bartender say, “Last call for alcohol!”
I danced some jazz complete with jazz hands.
Until the final curtain call,
This was it, the last dance…
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