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AS A KID AND BEYOND

did I ever wonder?
what my upbringing brought for me;
and did it disappoint
or just bring feelings to resurface,
but never sensitivities 
of deep down and personal,
and did I really care
of what there was to share,
or did it make me 
to have bitter heart,
from what had happened 
to me at that time,
and did I condemn them later on,
of those who kept the secrets
of past events,
or was the feelings like 
well things do happen!

For many days in the past,
I had trouble adjusting
to what was a muddled mind,
in the terms of growing beyond;
the nappy stage
and teething rings,
for there were secrets with my birth,
and a father who was not my dad,
and I wonder if it messed with 
in me being an angry boy,
who found no joy?
of being who I was,
so as for today; 
that when allowed to cry,
emotionlessness is ingrained feelings,
in never being allowed to articulate
of deep-seated emotions of consciousness.

and that I as person; 
or back then as a child,
could not have changed a ruddy thing,
or have I as this grownup person be, 
chosen to ignore
or have conveniently forgotten, 
bout what had happened in the past? 
or do I firmly believe;  
that if you particularly and specifically 
have chosen to live in the times of yore,
that never will you be blessed
to see the light of day.

however, for me today in my way,
I have chosen for my life to be on
a somewhat different tack,
and elected to become 
an examiner of intimate documents;
a genealogist of family trees,
only ever wanting to know 
what did make my family tick?
and where did I come from
and why certain things did happen,
and why was I a second-hand kid,
always feeling unwanted,
or unloved to extremes,
when it appeared to be
or so it seemed at the time.

but my mission in life as it is of now,
for on my computer back in the files,
in my file marked descent
there appears to be,
that I do have this somewhat fractured
family tree with missing parts,
and many unresolved answers,
and even these questions be 
are slowly being determined;
with careful consideration 
and instance overall,
for in genealogical circles,
my role in all of this
I have to be detached,
virtually emotionless to my task
which is why that how could I? 
make a sound judgement of past events.

for when as a kid
in my time of growing up,
always felt unloved,
only ever hand-me-downs
nothing ever new.
I was a snotty nosed
with a piece of rag in pocket,
and with scruffy boots on me feet,
and even they were;
from generation to generation,
pass me downs to the next in line;
of a McKenzie kid.

never encouraged so
to express myself externally,
or show the gifts and talents
that might I on show could offer,
for in amongst this wall to wall
of kids
totally misunderstood;
of why I wet the bed
as another slap prevailed,
on a daily basis spent,
totally upset the applecart;
for mum having to wash 
another set of sheets,
and my mattress laid out to dry
on a day-to-day basis done. 

a loner was I,
for in amongst the tribe,
I felt misplaced did I,
always wondering why
did we have to move?
never settling down
of staying in one place,
forever;
like a band of roving gypsies,
always on the go,
never having friends
only overbearing kids.
always in a fight,
never really understood
of why I stood me ground;
as an argumentative sort of bugger.

but! 
from I what I believe back then
‘twas a very unsettled childhood,
I have grown up to be;
the man 
that I am today,
with wife, kids and grandkids.
for my journey up to now,
has seen many episodes,
of toil, struggle and grief,
but also; 
many days in growing up
and having an awareness,
of understanding past events,
whereas; I can understand that now,
I have more days
of sunshine and happiness
which is ever surrounding me.

consequently, in my present day;
I have become a descriptive soul
of how I feel in words,
and having a pure pleasure
in transcribing down on paper,
for my journey has been long,
sometimes being wrong,
sometimes a colorful one,
sometimes fraught with danger,
sometimes without feelings of kind,
therefore, when the final curtain closes
will my story be told?
of a scruffy skinny kid with freckles;
who made something with his life?
and loved his mother deep.

Francis Cooper - Mac
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