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her life had been a rollercoaster of moody upheaval

          manic fervor from sheer in-exhaustible passion

                    laced with invincible disinhibition and thrust

                              indigo fortunes painted on orange canvas

                                        free flowing script of subconscious pull

until all interest fainted succumbed to gloomy defeat

          lack of purpose meaningless rationale and sorrow

                    infused by stagnant apathy in failed motion
 
                              black water colours on anthracite screens
 
                                        blank words staring onto empty pages

adorned with multiple voices she had ruled her world

          with no limits sky high on endorphins and zeal

                    she had swung from crystalline chandeliers

                              swirled on the ceiling like a mad dervish

                                        nauseous on joy she took one more spin

out of control and inside her shell she now cowered

          under a duvet incapable to feel the soft feathers

                    lay morose without comfort naked and torn

                              finger on trigger and fondling the noose

                                         unable to balance two halves of emotion

the straightjacket hurt and she was the warden

          of contempt incriminations guilt and shame

                     longed for the pain to recede from her mind

                                forsaken and forgotten in stupor and void

                                          apathetic and a pathetic wreck on the rocks

the clock ticked and tortured her moments’ toll

          time for a comeback but no hands on the dial

                    invisible twists turning on ultimate resources

                              soporific disharmony one step at a time

                                        until she found kindness and self-love

as strange as it sounded she took off the dark veil

          disregarded objections that enthusiasm was for free

                     objected to the myth of automatic gusto and ardour

                               reasons and feelings required diligent challenge

                                          agreed that vivacity was not a god given right

at first anthracite oozed from her tarnished brush

          nibs penned epitaphs mixed with oozing obituaries

                     she could not decipher her own hand writing

                                and smudged acrylic and aquarelle blotches

                                          to the tune of fierce and deluded disdain

but she accepted the sentence of hard labour

          claimed the verdict of punishing inquisition

                    tattooed the promise onto sad wrinkled skin

                               regathered excitement until she believed it

                                         found new explication by trial and error

exuberance was slow as shadows loomed large

          no swift virginal birth but dried blood on her hands

                    clawed nails but no cross yet she paced her escape

                              ‘these are my roots and wings grafted with toil’

                                        ‘I’m proud and finally enthused by free will’



18th June 2020
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