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(Seems that these days a whole lot of people suffer from anxiety and depression. Now whether that's a reflection on our world and society, whether there's actually greater incidence of it or if we just talk about it more, is a whole other rant. But anyway. 

Your friend says they've got anxiety and depression. It's easy to dismiss it if you haven't experienced it yourself. It's easy to think it's something it's not. It's easy to go "oh righto another person with these so called mental illnesses".

Can I tell you what it's like for me? Can I tell you what it's not? 

Being perpetually late to work, 10-20 minutes. That's not laziness. That's not lack of work ethic. That's waking up every morning even after I've slept a solid 8 hours feeling absolutely exhausted. Meet depression. 

Having ten different hobbies that you tell yourself you enjoy, because you do, you remember that at some point they brought you joy. But right now having absolutely zero motivation to do any of it. Meet depression.

Knowing that you need to put a load of laundry on, otherwise you won't have any clean clothes tomorrow. But you don't. Knowing you should wash that stack of dishes cos it's been two weeks and you don't even want to contemplate what's growing on it. But you don't. Knowing you should take that overflowing bin outside. It's only a couple of metres. A ten second job. But you can't. This isn't laziness or being a slob. This is depression. 

I may forget important things. I may forget entire conversations we've had. I might be confused and scatterbrained. This is depression. This is a symptom of a brain that isn't functioning the way yours might be.

Depression is not just being sad. Depression is perpetually exhausted, unmotivated, irritable, having emotional outbursts with zero control. I am not grumpy and rude. I am exhausted from holding myself together and unable to respond to situations in what you might deem a normal way. It is like watching yourself in a car accident and not being able to stop it. 

And then there's his friend anxiety. 

It's when you think you've been having a good week. When you are relaxing at home after a long day. Maybe cooking dinner. And it sneaks up and ambushes you. your heart rate is a little faster. your breathing increases. And for no reason at all that pit in your stomach seems like a giant black hole. And you can't even identify what it is that you are worried about. And you can't tell why it happened but now you are shaking and you cannot feel safe and this goes on for hours. Meet anxiety. 

When I'm dedicated to work and putting in extra hours above and beyond and staying late. That's not actually work ethic. That's anxiety telling me every single situation which might possibly go wrong and how badly it can go wrong and no matter how unlikely it is to occur it will be ALL YOUR FAULT. So you better try to control every single thing so it can't happen. Meet anxiety. 

When I'm hard to get hold of and don't answer the phone. It's not because I don't want to talk to you. It's because the moment the phone rings I begin to shake, my heart feels like it will beat out of my chest. My ears start to ring. I cannot explain this but this is anxiety.

Anxiety is not just worrying. It is over thinking, over planning, inability to sit still, inability to let it go, overanalysing and overpredicting worst case scenarios. It is second guessing myself at tasks that I know I'm perfectly capable and competent to do. It's writing and deleting this post five times before actually sharing it. And sometimes it is utterly crippling and makes you completely shut down.

And the thing is that some people will read this and agree with me and relate to it, and others won't. Because for every person who experiences these diseases they will experience them a different way. But what is common to us all is that it hurts, it is so incredibly hard, it is confusing and it is painful. For many people this is literally the fight for their life. 

So when a friend says they suffer from a mental illness. Don't dismiss it as theatrics. Don't brush it under the carpet because you don't understand, or it makes you feel awkward and uncomfortable, or you don't know what to say. Many times you don't even need to say anything. Just please listen and try to understand. Understand that this is a label that may go some way towards explaining why I do some of the things that I do. But at the same time it is not an excuse. Know that every single day, often every single moment, I am working as hard as I can to remain functioning. It is the most difficult thing in the world, takes so much strength and I very rarely get an off button. These friends are always there, throw in PTSD, compassion fatigue and parasomnias and it's one hell of a party. 

I don't have any answers. But this is me, a window into my crazy mixed up raw and confused headspace. And im lucky, because im mostly functional. Most of the time i can manage these things fairly well. What I do know is that mental health and wellbeing is a very real thing and we need to be looking after each other, even those who don't have a clinical diagnosis. It's time we start not only talking about this, but accepting it and doing something about it.

Thank you for this niece K M.
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