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there were days full of so much weeping I couldn’t see
months of wondering why she would so easily flee.
I would lay on the bed holding her bear; swollen eyes-
wearing her leather bracelet and old torn brown hoodie.
but that was then, and it took me ‘til now to realize. 

that…

this is now and someway somehow, I have learned to heal.
I’ve taken the real and learned to deal with all that I feel. 
I used to drown as deep as she did before she said goodbye,
now my emotions have surfaced, and I no longer conceal. 
I have gained the knowledge her suicide was not my “why”.

my depression wasn’t because she made the choice to leave.
no, it wasn’t because her dying was too hard to believe. 
it was the fact that she was so sad that I couldn’t mend
her broken heart so many a time, seeing her always grieve. 
kind arms I did lend, and now to heaven hugs I lovingly send. 

from anger to forgiveness, so much surrender I’ve gained.  
now only good memories, not the painful have remained. 
from anguish to ease when I think of her beautiful smile,
this all has hit me lately and it may seem so unexplained. 
but God has given me grace; for it is just His gentle style. 

more sympathetic am I to her sorrow and much distress.
back then I was confused, now it’s all clear, I must confess. 
I remember the combat in my soul when I saw a photo
of her smiling; today winning the war is my tender progress. 
I was holding onto the pain now the torment I’ve let go.

so, you ask me what my life was really like way back then.
I say to you it was the greatest exertion, now I say “amen”.
my life was encompassed by the same pain she discovered,
but thank God that I was smart enough to pick up my pen.
that was my then, and my now has been perfectly recovered.



Date: January 20, 2019
Sponsor: Silent One
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