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A tribute to the late, great Victoria Wood x

Arthur and Mandy sat one night
When he gave her a dreadful fright
Ripped off his jumper revealed his string vest
Showing snippets of his hairy chest
He looked at her with eyes ablaze
Held Mandy in a sensual gaze
He pushed aside his bottle of beer
Put his false teeth in and
Said with a leer

Come on Mandy I'm feeling randy
It's time to shake the moths away
Can't remember was it last December
That my best friend came out to play
I'm imploring don't be boring
Let's have a rough and tumble
On the B and Q flooring
Mandy please say yes tonight

But she said
Now look here you've had too much beer
I don't like that glint in your eyes
Your breaths not nice hands like ice
This is no good for my thighs
It's too much trouble you're seeing double
You think you are Fred Flintstone but you're Barney Rubble
Arthur, it's a no tonight

But he said
When we first met, how could I forget
Mini skirt, high heels and thong
You were such a temptress
On the memory foam mattress
How could I have got you oh so wrong
I'll even take a quickie
Please don't throw a sickie
This is very stressful for me poor old dickie
Please just say yes tonight

But she said
Lay off Arthur I don't fancy
You baked, boiled or even fried
You said you had money ha ha very funny
Now apparent that you lied
Not what I planned
Go and use your right hand
All conjugal rights have now been banned
It's a massive no tonight

But he said
Mandy please I'm on my knees
The viagra is just kicking in
Feeling frustrated ages since we mated
Why is it women always win
Put on your nurse attire
Set my soul on fire
I promise I won't mention cellulite or your spare tyre
Mandy just say yes tonight

But she said
Arthur this is no fun
I really think that I'm done
I'm off to bed right now alone
Let me off the hook read a dirty book
Call a chat line on your phone
Go fishing wash the car
Visit the strip bar
I won't be leaving the bedroom door ajar
No no no tonight

Plus the headache is raging
I'm very rapidly aging
I've no interest in it anymore
If you persist, top of my list
Is to show you the front and back door
I've had more than enough
Of all this lust stuff
My final word on this is Tough
Im saying No tonight

Just to add to all that
I'm fed up of being a doormat
I just want to be by myself
Pack your bags today
I wont get in your way
Arthur you're now on the shelf
I wish you lots of luck
I hope you get a bit of relief!
And though this may be way off course
Arthur, I want a divorce!
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