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...cont

As is the case with all of life's special moments
this one had to end when she again became weak.
We strolled the beach one last time
our toes curled in the sand
as the sun warmed our backs
and the waves scoured the beach.
Back home three days later
she asked me to gather her friends and family
in our small bedroom.
The room was over flowing.
She hated all the attention 
but was happy that so many people had shown up.
She requested of her parents to be cremated
wanting no funeral or memorial service.
Her mother protested but agreed.
I stood by her side holding her hand
and she laughed and joked
until her coughing got the best of her.
The room became quiet and I watched
as she glanced from face to face to face,
"Oh what a dour group,"
her voice breaking the silence.
"You would think someone was dying here."
Her cousin and two friends had to leave the room,
and sniffles filled the void.
She squeezed my hand and whispered,
"Too much?"
Smiling gently, I leaned over nodding once
and kissed her forehead, "I love you."
She grew serious and returned my 'I love you'
then, staring deeply into my eyes, said,
"Thank you."
I nearly broke down at that,
tears blurring my vision,
but for her I didn't.
She grew tired and soon fell asleep.
I sat on the edge of the bed still holding her hand
and not long after noticed how cold it had become.
Touching her arm and her cheek,
her skin was pale and lifeless.
Her mother noticed too,
and began to wail without restraint.
All around the room tears flowed and
a cacophony of sound filled the small space.
From the corner of my eye
I saw her sister glance at me through her tears.
Her remorseful, sad expression
offered a small amount of comfort to me.
I kissed her one last time and walked out of the room.

Arrangements had to be made and I offered to help,
but her parents politely refused.
Her sister had a gathering
at her house a few days later and invited me,
I politely refused.
For weeks I walked through each day numb,
feeling nothing and hating myself for it.
She would not have wanted this for me.
I remember her saying in one of her darker
more curt moments,
"We've barely known each other for six months,
you'll forget me soon enough."
How wrong she was.

Months eventually faded from summer into autumn
and on one sunny day I decided to take a walk.
Picking my book up my feet headed down the path
where they soon stopped in the park under the old Maple tree.
Unknown to me, the love of my life's sister
had gathered with friends in the park.
It was nice to see her.
"How are you?"  She asked sincerely, a concerned smile on her face.
"I'm OK," was my return.
"Just OK?"  She pressed, looking at me intently.
I didn't know what else to say.
Yes, I'm OK, nothing more, nothing less.
I'll get through today and worry about tomorrow, tomorrow.
She glanced at the book and asked,
"What's that?"
Happy for the change in subject,
I explained it was a book I've been trying to finish,
it seems like forever,
"Just one more page to go."
I flipped through the pages
and it naturally stopped between the ones
where the leaf had been placed.
I looked at it for a long moment.
Time had taken it's toll
and morphed it into a crushed, brown, dried blob.
Touching it, it crumbled.
Slamming the book closed
my emotions overwhelmed me.
I couldn't catch my breath.
Thoughts of our winter together flooded me
in waves of pain and sorrow,
and the tears,
oh God the tears fell like
cold rain,
a flood that I thought would never end,
I wished would never end,
like I wished that we had not ended.
I felt a hand placed upon my arm,
as her sisters gaze, full of concern,
captured my own.
Others began to gather round me
and I realized I had broken my promise.
A promise that had become 
too much of a burden for my damaged
soul to bare.
Light headed and drained
I knew I must release these feelings
or I would forever be lost...


...so I reached inside of me,
deep inside my chest,
to touch my heart,
and yes, it still remained,
so, I pulled it out for all to see,
it yet beat,
in spite of being broken into pieces.
It never knew what pain it suffered
when the leaf crumbled in my hand.
It just kept beating,
day after long lonely day.
Once more I opened the book
to gaze upon what once was my perfect leaf.
Only the dust of its beauty remained.
Gently, a whisper of breeze caught the page
and sent the fragments flying.
Into the sky they raced
until, like my emotions,
they dissipated in the warmth of the sun.

Drained of everything, thoughts would not come,
but my heart beat.
Running my hand across the empty page,
the sun sent glimmers of glitter between my fingers
and color danced
as the light hit the sheet at just the right slant.
Beneath my touch I felt ridges,
ridges left pressed by its stem and edges,
and colors that mirrored its beauty,
but even as its impression was left to remind me,
and though the memories will never fade,
I knew I must face my truth.

It was gone.

You are gone.


09/22/2018
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