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Quiet! Everything around is too loud
I can’t stand to be in this crowd
Their voices go silent but I can still see their mouths moving
They’re giggling, obviously find something amusing

Are they laughing at me? Why? What are they saying?
I can feel my body swaying
I need to get out of here now, right now
What can I say, what reason can I use
Will they think I’m just making up an excuse
To leave. Will they know that I don’t want to be there
I nod hoping that he will notice, see my glare
Next thing I know I’m in bed, how did I get there?

Its dark in here, silent, peaceful
No-one judging, talking, staring
What’s happening to me
Why is no-one caring
My head feels heavy, my heart is pounding
I feel like screaming, I feel like I’m drowning
Is this what happens when your depressed?
I don’t know its never happened to me
Am I lazy? Miserable? Crabbit?
Why can’t I smile? I don’t understand it
Trauma they say. Loved ones leaving
Causing an empty space. Am I just grieving?

My list comprises of:
Mother=gone
Gran=gone
Baby girls=gone

Time for help? How do I cope? Will it work?
I need to try, can’t stay like this or I’ll go berserk
He helps, shows support, my rock
Do it for him, my love, go talk
They say it helps, talking to strangers
I’m scared, nervous, this is a life changer

Will I find the old me, is she still there, or gone
Please stay with me, get me through this, don’t move on
My heart is big, loves a lot, but gets broken
I wish I could be outspoken
But I suffer in silence, hoping you will know
See the signs, my mood, my slow tempo
Its not easy, living with me, like this
But please just hold me, tell me it will be ok, give me a kiss

The day comes, the start, time to tell
What’s been happening, my hell
I nearly died, I tell the whole script
How I lay on my bed, in pain, how I slipped
Into darkness, alone, is it time to go?

My life had only just got better, then the blow
I’m lying on a bed, a bright light coming towards me
Not yet! Then he stops me. Its ok, you’re free
You’ve been in mourning, a child, a survival
Time to get strong but not today
Come back, talk more about the deprival
Of you’re life. Its going to be okay

He was my saviour, changed my outlook
I got a job, made new friends, got married
Now I’m writing a book
About me. Who will read it? Do I care?
I’m stronger now, but still aware
Of the signs. They never leave
But they’re in a box now, and I do believe
There’s no more darkness in my life, only joy
Thanks to the love and support of my two boys
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