When Miss Manners Misbehaves
Someone, we will not name names, not because we do not know but simply because we refuse to tell you, must have traduced Miss Manners because she woke up one fine morning to find herself chained to a column, naked and being fed sandwiches filled with opioids and tuna. A healthy meal by all accounts, according to the FDA. (That would be the Food And Drug Administration for those of you who do not do speed and are not up to speed on such matters and Miss Manners.)
A pencil would be placed between her teeth each day at dawn. That way she could write to her reading public. A nearby wall just within her reach made this possible as she remained affixed to her post forevermore.
A reader of The Press questioned, “What is the correct way to throw a cat?' Miss Manners responded, “Gentle reader”..... “That is clearly inappropriate behavior.” “Tossing kitty is against the law.” “It is simply wrong.” “Don't do that.”
“Cats do not make proper projectiles.” “If you must toss your cat do it gently.” “Perhaps you could consider a pillow or soft bed for kitties landing.” “Short of that, throwing cats shows poor judgment, bad manners, indicates immaturity, is in bad taste and I might add, that kind of activity shows a stilted etiquette.” “Always be mindful that kitty is a living creature.” “We must respect our feline friend.” “Never throw kitty out a window or from high places like the tops of sky-scrappers.” “That could be dangerous to kitties health.”
Miss Manners prays that you find another hobby. She suggests perhaps something less stressful and dare we say, lethal.
After finishing off another delicious tuna/opium special or two, Miss Manners continued.
A person of unknown origin, using the name “Anonymous”, writes into the local paper with an inquiry; “Dear Miss Manners, how do you feel about premarital sex? Miss Manners responds proportionality and properly as always, “Dear dear reader, You have a most unusual and beautiful name. Please don't think about such trivial matters.” “You have your entire life in front of you.” “Don't waste it on frivolities.” “Read the Bible.” “Read my column.” Don't get caught up in mundane matters.” “Life is short.” “Enjoy it.” “Eat sandwiches larger than life.” “Don't throw cats.” “Take your tuna opium specials to bed with you at night and sing la la la to the moon and stars.”
“Anonymous....Anonymous...such a pretty name...such a pretty name...Is that French?” Check please!
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