The Flatulent
Stewart Payne could fart on command. All anyone had to do was look at him and say, “Stewart, fart” and he would or could. It was like a challenge to Stewart, a childish facet of a very complex intellect.
You see, Stewart was one of the early “computer nerds.” As a freshman at the University of Oklahoma, he was an advance mathematics student and had a fair understanding of the existing computer technology and was already deeply into COBOL and FORTRAN programming and Area Networking in 1964. He was doing consulting work for businesses in his freshman year, when the rest of us were happy with part-time jobs as clerks or delivery people. He was a nice looking guy, lean, with good features. Girls said he had pretty eyes. When speaking he seemed as “hip” as the next guy, but he had “career direction” at a time when most guys just wanted to avoid the draft. He seemed to know what he wanted to do.
Now, Stewart had a deep and somewhat perverse sense of humor that set him apart from the rest of us. He was self-directed and bold, often to the point of impetuosity. Some of it was a little “raw”, but his age, his IQ and the humor of what he had done seemed to protect him on those occasions. Still, he had experienced some glitches in his science of flatulents. Yes, he had “messed his pants” on occasion; but, one dreary day in the dorm, he managed to light his boxer shorts afire when he was demonstrating how to “light a fart.” Some of us were just sitting around talking, wondering if that was really possible, when he suddenly grabbed his Zippo and rolled back on his bed. He lit the Zippo, held it near his butt and let one rip. To our amazement and entertainment, here was actually a “poof” of blue flame; but Stewart had not counted on his boxers catching fire. He had held the lighter too close. It was a riot to watch. He was slapping at his butt and jumping around. Finally, Skip Holt grabbed him and sat him down on his butt. This smothered the flame immediately, but would cause Stewart some physical anguish later….and for 2 or 3 days thereafter.
Winter offers frequent reprieves from the cold in Oklahoma. Weather forecasting was not then what it is now, so folks were often happily surprised and reveled in the glory of such days. The first day of the Spring semester was unseasonably warm with only light breezes. It was a one-day front. Students being students, we took every occasion offered to “dress down.” It was a social rebellion thing, I guess. “Times they were a- changin’.” Many of us had been taught by the fraternities to whom we pledged in first semester to “dress” each day, to look fairly sharp and presentable; but this day was worthy of Bermuda shorts. Oh, you might need to wear a sweatshirt with them; but it was a beautiful day.
Freshman classes are often very large, particularly for the required courses, such as Government. This morning, the tiered classroom will be filled to capacity….close to 200 students. Dr. Goddard will give us his expectations for the semester, a test schedule and our reading assignments in just a few minutes. Meanwhile, students are hurrying in, hoping to find just the right seat for the semester. Dr. Goddard required students to sit in the same seat each class. It was said that he possessed a phenomenal memory for names and faces. Later, he would prove that beyond all doubt. I had seen him in the Student Union on occasion. He was a “snappy dresser”, although a bit conservative, and seemed familiar with a number of people, many of them students. Apparently, a good joke would not escape him either. I was sitting at an adjacent table once during first semester and, while he was having coffee with a couple of other faculty members, I overheard one telling a joke. Dr. Goddard was listening intently. You could see in his eyes that he anxiously awaited the punch line. It was a great joke that I remember to this day. Doctor Goddard laughed his butt off, took a big drink of his coffee, and, as he stood to depart, said, “I needed that. These freshman classes are a pain in my ass.” Off he went.
This day, Dr. Goddard’s sense of humor would be truly tested. I walked into the classroom and, as I immediately looked to my right and up toward the seating, Dr. Goddard said from his position on the dias, “That three-legged chicken joke was a riot wasn’t it?” He had seen me listening to the joke he was being told last semester and remembered me. Wow. I agreed and said that I had shared it with quite a few people. He laughed. “Better find a seat.” I did not want to be to close, nor too far away. I wanted a bit of an angle and preferred, for no reason I know, to look to the right. I was not particularly early and over a hundred students were already in place. I picked a seat next to a rather large black guy. He was smiling and spoke to people around him as people filed into the room. When I sat, he looked at me and smiled. “I’m Ben Hart.” “Hi. I’m Buzz. You know, your name sounds familiar.” “I’m a football player. Some say I’m a good receiver.” “Well, Ben, I was a wide receiver, not a tight end; but I took some good hits. I wasn’t good enough or tough enough to play for a college, even a small one.” He laughed. “You get a little more attention when you’re big, believe me.” I looked around and saw that only a few seats were vacant. Kids who were almost late would sit anywhere. Right then, I saw Stewart Lane hurrying into the room. He stopped for a moment to analyze the seating availability. Doctor Goddard was giving him a “Just sit down” look when someone else who knew Stewart yelled from somewhere in the upper rear of the room, “Hey, Stewart. Fart. Fart.”
I will never forget the look on Stewart’s face, his eyes darting around the room analyzing the possible impact of such an action. Just the fact that he was thinking about it meant that the gauntlet had been thrown, that Stewart had taken the challenge. Remember those boxers? Stewart smiled for the crowd, even gave Dr. Goddard a glance, then slightly lifted his right knee. Such a clear, sharp and resounding fart you might never have heard in your lifetime. It’s echo careened off the hallowed walls. The room erupted with laughter….and a few indignant gasps. A few, like Ben, were almost out of control with laughter. He had tears rolling down his cheeks. I looked at Stewart standing there absorbing the moment and all the laughter. This was respect. This was a moment to cherish and never forget. The glory was raining down from the stands. Even Dr. Goddard was wearing a huge grin. Stewart was obviously very proud of his decision to take the challenge and with his ability to meet that challenge in such a successful manner. He probably considered an encore.
Unbeknownst to Stewart, however, what was most humorous and what would be most memorable to all present on this occasion……was the small “ploplet” lying on the floor where he stood. His boxers had failed him again. A girl on the front row pointed at the “ploplet” in mortified disgust. “Eewww!” Stewart looked down. The glory dashed. Stewart did too. Dr. Goddard, still laughing, told us we would try again on Wednesday to start this semester.
Stewart changed to a different Government section, although it was also taught by Dr. Goddard. Stewart told us that when he walked in, Dr. Goddard started laughing. He called Stewart over and asked his name. Stewart told him and Dr. Goddard gave him a pat on the shoulder and told him it was the funniest thing he had seen in 30 years of teaching. He said all was forgiven, but asked that he not do it again.
Yes, Stewart changed to briefs.
Comments