Passing Through
“Passing Through”
(from a dream)
by B. Jan Pearce
11/30/2022
Chapter 1.
Oddly enough the older I have gotten, the more questions I have had about what would happen to me after I died. I had read a lot of other people’s opinions along that line but none of them really satisfied my curiosity.
I was 79 years old then…a grandmother…a great grandmother and a contented divorcee for more than 30 years. Granted my life had not been an exemplary one nor offered any enlightened contributions to mankind. But overall, I was happy and contented in those salad days.
First, a little history… I was brought up in a small town with a loving and devoutly religious family of modest means. I had two sisters and a brother and a mother who, in my opinion, was an absolute saint. My childhood was problematic due to a father who struggled most of his life with mental illness and that is all I wish to say on that subject. Adolescence was hard, and as the eldest child in an unsettling environment I often longed for an escape which I generally achieved through daydreaming and writing down my thoughts.
I married when I was 20, had three beautiful children whom I loved dearly – those children whom gave me five exceptional granddaughters and one great granddaughter.
I divorced after 16 years of marriage, remarried after one year and divorced again in another year. Needless to say, my life was not an exemplary one. While I was always deeply religious, and in my heart wished to do what is known as “the right thing,” I often strayed from those principals that were instilled in me as a child.
Ok, enough of that. I don’t want your sympathy or judgements here. I just needed to give you a little background.
I had a lucrative career in the legal field for more than 30 years, did a lot of partying, fell in love a few times, and spent many years looking for some kind of emotional security that I was never to find until I came to know and understand myself. Admittedly, in those days, “running” was all that made me feel safe.
As I aged, I became more tolerant and forgiving of myself and longed to return to my roots. So, I moved back to where I was born; took a lower paying job, made new friends, and found an inordinate sense of comfort in family, friends and rescue pets. I also reconnected with God with whom I had countless satisfying talks.
He generally came to me in the night. You might say I was just dreaming, and perhaps I was. But I felt like He was there nevertheless. I could “feel” Him. And that “feeling” brought me great peace and some beautifully inspired pieces that I was compelled to write down and share with others.
I felt His presence a lot in those days when I ultimately retired. Sometimes, when I looked out the window and watched the squirrels that I fed at play; or the birds splashing joyfully in my birdbath; sometimes when a granddaughter gifted me with a beaded bracelet that she made especially for me; sometimes when a friend unexpectedly brought me a delicious dinner; sometimes when a son or daughter called to check on me and whispered an “I love you” in heartfelt tones. During those times, I felt very close to God and I thanked Him profusely for what He had bestowed on my unworthy self.
In those days as a senior, I appreciatively spent most of my time reading a good book, watching an old movie, taking a well-deserved nap, or playing with my pups, and just enjoying life in general. Life was “rich” and all that I could ever hope for. I was finally living the life that I had always dreamed of…
Chapter 2
It wasn’t until many years of that idyllic existence that I next awoke in a hospital emergency room. After an hour or two of nurses and doctors hovering over me in whispered tones that I heard them say: “It’s a heart attack!”
The pain was excruciating, so I wasn’t surprised. As a matter of fact, I had been expecting it. Much better, I remember thinking to myself, than spending many years wasting away in a nursing home.
“I’m as ready as I’ll ever be,” I told myself.
And then, it was over…
I felt the coolness of the sheet as they covered my face.
There was only darkness.
I lay there...at peace with myself.
My only disturbing thoughts were of all the loved ones that I would miss; of leaving the peaceful life that I had been enjoying; of worrying about the care of the adoring pups I would leave behind.
I was suddenly overcome with grief. Not about dying, but about what I was leaving behind…..
I told myself not to fight it…there was nothing I could do. I took a last breath and closed my eyes…giving myself over to whatever was to follow.
It seemed like eons that I waited. All I could hear was the silence around me. And all I could feel was a warm tingling that suddenly made me feel much lighter than before. I was no longer afraid. I felt a pronounced sense of relief and a rising gathering of something all-powerful. All of my thoughts of sorrow began to dissipate…and I began to experience a feeling of weightlessness…like I was floating. I could see myself there on that table but I realized I was no longer there…that somehow I was not in that body now – I was above it.
I have no idea how long I was in that state. It could have been seconds; it could have been hours; it could have been eons. All I know was that I felt a sudden overwhelming sense of relief and a strong urge to just let go and follow along with wherever the moment would take me. The experience was glorious.
I felt joy for the first time in many years. I felt comfort from all of the despair in my past. I felt a mounting sense of relief from all of the worries of the world. I was more than willing to go wherever this experience was going to take me. I just let go…..
Chapter 3
I waited. I had no choice. I just waited…
Then, I have no idea how long I waited, or why, or where I was going…I was just suddenly rising...upward.
I was weightless and I could feel nothing around me. There was no more pain nor any grief over what I was leaving behind. I felt myself being effortlessly lifted upward and away from that place until I found myself steadily abandoning all life below me.
When I eventually looked down again, I saw the earth growing smaller and smaller beneath me as I became more and more weightless. Rising steadily upward, I felt the clouds brush past me as I continued to soar upward faster and faster almost touching the stars as they passed.
It was wondrous…
I don’t know how long I traveled or where I was going. I only knew that I had no fear of my final destination.
When my journey finally came to an end, I had no idea where I was. I found myself in a large room with luminous alabaster walls and one chair seated in the middle. Eventually, a beautiful woman dressed in a white robe entered the room and directed me to sit down in the chair.
“Someone will be with you shortly”, she said. “We thank you for coming and we hope your trip was a pleasant one.”
I was speechless at first as she waited for my response.
Finally I asked: “Am I where I think I am?”
“Probably!” she said, smiling as she exited the room.
I fidgeted in the chair nervously as I waited.
Finally, two gleaming doors at the far end of the room began to open ultimately revealing a stunning garden beyond. My breath escaped me as I gasped at the magnificence of what I was seeing.
I arose from the chair and began moving forward to have a closer look.
“Oh no, not yet,” a voice boomed at me from what seemed like all around me.
I stopped in mid stride…looking all around the room searching for the source of the intruder. I saw nothing.
“Have a seat,” the voice instructed. “I think we need to have a talk.”
I did as I was told, waiting hesitatingly for my next instruction as I moved back to sit in the chair. I remained silently fearful.
“I am told,” the voice said…”that you have questions.”
I was almost afraid to answer.
Finally…”Yes sir, I do,” I said …”If that’s all right with you.”
I heard him chuckle under his breath.
“Yes, that’s fine,” He said. “I’ve been answering questions for centuries now. And,” he went on…”I’ve even answered quite a few of your own!”
Finally, I asked timidly: “Are you who I think you are and am I where I think I am?”
His voice was tinged with amusement as He answered.
“The answer to your question, He said: “is ‘Yes and Yes!”
“Oh, wow!” I said… “I never thought I’d make it up here!”
His laughter rocked the walls of the room!
“I wondered about that myself for a while,” He said.
We both remained silent for a few minutes before I finally responded: “Well, I am so glad to be here sir and finally able to meet you.” I fidgeted in the chair before going on. “I’m not exactly sure of the protocol up here, or what I’m supposed to do or say so I’m more than glad to just follow your lead of what I’m supposed to do next.”
“First, let me say - I’ve always enjoyed your sense of humor,” He said.
“Really?” I asked astonished.
“Oh yes,” He went on. I’ve always had a good sense of humor myself you know...otherwise, I would have never created Mankind! “
“Well, that’s for sure.” I laughed.
“You have questions,” He said.
“If you don’t mind…yes sir I do,” I answered nervously.
“Go ahead,” He said. “Ask away!”
“Ok, allright,” I hesitated. “Am I here to stay, or am I just here for a brief visit or something?”
I sensed Him smiling at me though I still could not see his face.
“Let me explain a few things to you,” He said. “Some people are exceptional and are ready to join us immediately when they die. And then there are some people who are not…quite ready, that is.” He paused while I waited for him to go on before saying: “You……are one of those” he paused… “not quite ready!”
My hopes were crushed…
“Oh wait,” He went on. “Don’t be too disappointed. You are close…but not quite there just yet. You just need a little more time to simmer in that earthly stew.”
And I felt his smile on me…again.
“This is not your first time up here you know,” He said. “You have been here before! Five previous times to be exact!” He paused before adding… “Maybe six is your lucky number!”
I stared down at the floor doing my best to conceal my disappointment.
“I wondered about that,” I remarked. “I kinda thought so.” I stared down at the floor dejected. “I just hoped that I’d passed the final tests and could finally stay here for good.”
“I had hoped that for you, too,” He said… “But not just yet.”
We both sat in silence for a while pondering the graveness of the situation.
“Don’t be disheartened,” He said. “You are here for counsel. And while you are here you will see some old friends and family; have a nice visit; catch up with some news from home for them; and they will give you the grand tour of the place, so that you have something to look forward to when you return.”
“Oh really?” I perked up.
“Oh yes,” He replied. “More than ever after our little visit today, you will do your absolute best to come back for a permanent stay here.”
And then He…..was gone.
Chapter 4
As I sat there overcome with emotion, the gates opened and the woman in white appeared again. I could see the gardens behind her in the distance and a gathering of people. As they moved closer, I could see them smiling and waving at me.
At first, they were too far away to recognize any of them but as they moved nearer to me I recognized them one by one. First, I saw my beautiful mother whose countenance glowed as she ran toward me. I felt exhilarated at the warmth of her touch as she wrapped her arms around me and an electrifying chill ran through my body.
“We’ve been waiting for you,” she said. I couldn’t speak, and as we embraced, I could see the others approaching. They were all there: the beloved grandfather and grandmother; the familiar smiling face of the brother I had lost much too early; the adolescent nephew that leukemia had stolen from us; the once broken father who was once a broken man now restored and opening his welcoming arms to me. They were all there…those loved ones I had lost so long ago. There in the distance…waiting to greet me. I was overcome with joy.
And then, there in the distance I heard another familiar sound emanating from the garden. And, as I looked beyond where we all stood, I saw them all…bounding toward me…the animals. The birds, the cats, the dozens of pups I had shared my life with through all the years. They were all there rushing eagerly toward me. I rose from the chair and sat down on the floor with arms outstretched to embrace them. It was an exhilarating reunion…an occasion teeming with love and mutual adoration.
My heart felt like it would explode.
I asked a lot of questions. They answered what they could, but many just replied with “You’ll just have to wait and see when you come back.”
There were numerous words of advice and encouragement on how best to proceed when I left. I listened to them all and took mental notes but the most prevalent of them all were to: “be a good person”; “help others”; “be kind”; and “keep God’s words in your heart at all times”.
“How long can I stay here?” I asked.
“Not much longer,” God answered from somewhere far above us. “This is just a visit so that you might see what is waiting for you. You must earn the privilege of returning here to remain with us. And that privilege, my dear, will be entirely up to you and what you choose to do with your life on earth.”
“I’m trying. I’m trying,” I said. “It seems like I’ve been trying to live the kind of life that I know you want me to live for a very long time now.”
“I know you have,” He replied. “And I appreciate your efforts…really, I do.” He sighed and whispered to me…”You’re almost there. Do not fear for I am with you.”
I looked in the distance as my loved ones began waving their goodbyes and turned to go. My heart swelled and I felt both a deep sadness and an exhilarating joy in that place as I watched them leave.
“It’s time to go now,” He said, as He placed His hand on my shoulder. And as He did so, I felt a powerful wave of strength course through me. I felt joy again. I felt resolve. I felt enough love coursing through my veins to provide me with the overwhelming amount of strength necessary to complete any task asked of me. I felt born again.
He read my thoughts… “You WILL be born again,” He said. “A new born babe starting all over…with a new family…with a fresh start…with a new chance to leave a worthy mark in the world down there and earn your place here with us in paradise.”
I smiled in his direction…still longing to see His face.
“You Will…see me,” He whispered. “When you come back. You will see ALL of us, and oh what a joyful reunion that will be.”
I sat waiting apprehensively…just waiting to see what came next for what seemed like eons. I wanted to drink it all in once again…all that I had seen and heard. I longed to keep with me forever all that I had seen and heard there.
Finally, I looked up and there in the distance I saw the faint radiance of his face smiling down at me…and my heart swelled until I thought it would explode.
“Do not fear for I am with you,” He said.
And then I was gone…
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