How I Overcame Addiction

Almost one year after I made the choice to change my life, I find myself able to reflect and value the lessons I have learned. The decision I made choosing to numb myself and existence with a controlled substance is one I may never take back. After my last grandmother, Mama Paula, passed away I began a search for love. I ended up meeting a man that was in the military and ended up in an abusive and neglectful relationship where my life spiraled into a depressed state. Not long after leaving the toxic physical and verbal short-term relationship, I was diagnosed with precancerous cervix cells that required cryotherapy at the age of 23. This took my views of life into a dark place where my mind was in constant fear of never having children or death. I began my addiction on Adderall which was prescribed to my ex. When I left him, I was at a loss, I loved this man just not how he treated me. I gradually utilized video games as a form of release. Staying home and never showering just attempting to get lost in virtual reality, day and night, I feel into a depression. I felt as though I needed something to help me stay up or awake so I could feel better. That was when I turned to methamphetamine at the age of 24, the first time I used was the slow death of me. It took over three years for me to escape the torturous feeling of numbing myself to life. When looking back on the weakness I felt being a woman who was in love with an abuser, that left her heart crushed, I attempt to remind myself to find strength.

Though I was never intending to become an addict I did. I fell into the arms of a family friend who happened to be a drug dealer. Within a year I began dating this person who also lacked in providing the proper loving attention of a caring partner. Loosing myself in the availability of this substance with a person I trusted. I lived in a truck using all day everyday never caring about my body, my thoughts or how my choices affected my family. I ended up ignoring very important family phone calls that had me miss out on being there for the next family member that passed away, an aunt from cancer. Ashamed of where I lead my life I wanted to hide how less of a person I had become. The loss of another beautiful family member still did not get me to change. The night of her passing I was fortunate to have had a dream to tell her how I loved her and valued her as a mother figure since I grew up without that role in my life. The presence of closure I felt was overwhelming and frightening when I woke up to receive a call that she had passed away that morning. I will never forget what she told me that last time we spoke, even if I did not get the true message right away, she said, “Kristina take care of yourself, take care of your beliefs.” Back then I thought she meant find work, become independent, she sounded weak and it left me in tears of misunderstanding. Driving my emotional rollercoaster down deeper into the users pit of self-resentment, self-loathing and hate. I could not bring myself to admit that because of my addiction people I loved were passing away and that left me in fear of where they went. I wanted to go too, I thought that slowly and surely, eventually I could follow with my using. I used because I needed to fill myself with the poison I thought would take me away from reality and the feeling of loss.

Last year was the end of my dying and the beginning of my choice to live anew. At the start of the new year I was at my bottomless whirlpool that pulled me closer to the feeling of never becoming anything positive. I would look at myself seeing a person scarred and full of painful recurring memories that kept me filled with negative energy. Being was not something I wanted, living was not at its fullest and what relationships I had left were crumbling around me. My weakest points I attempted to kill myself, first by hanging and another by cutting. Why would I let myself get there and feel as though I had more to live for. The night I made a noose I must admit, there was a dark presence that was leading me to end what little life of unsuccess I was in. It was the most scary of experiences since when I climbed the ladder and was teary eyed I heard the loud dark voices that were saying, “ Do it, do it kill yourself,” I then heard over those, “Do not take your life Kristina you are important,” in my Aunt Jessies voice. Believing in angels was not somewhere I was then however I listened, I chose to back down and not following through with an irreversible mistake. Something I knew somewhere I would regret since I never have truly had the opportunity to live. Recognizing the caring from the other side of life in spirit is when I began to view life differently. To go to the brink and edge, close enough where I held my breath and it was my wish. To join those members of my family in death because I had no one who loved me still in life. At least that is where I placed myself by separating and feeling alone, little and like a loser. At times then I felt as though I was losing my mind revolving around my unhappiness and discontentment with where I chose to be then. So in order for me to find my sanity I had to make a change.

In search of answers for my purpose in life I began my journey towards better self-discovery without the influence of a controlled substance. My little brother had a baby on the way and I knew I did not want to represent that kind of sister who did not care about becoming an aunt. All my life I never felt such conviction to find some way out of my darkest thoughts and I chose to find faith. To fortify my mind during a time of recovery I sought answers as to why I existed, why I was born and who I could still be. I reached out to the stars on a full moon night in so much pain within my heart, body and mind. I knew it was time to confess to the open chilly air around me. I had no one to talk to, no one to turn to, so I chose to speak openly to the God of my understanding then. A listening ear, an invisible friend someone I read would still love me no matter what. It worked, I heard the response I needed to hear about who I was meant to be all I had to do was change everything and believe. Believe in myself and believe in the process made when seeking answers to most questions unknown. I found comfort in my belief something I never had before and that was faith. A light that guided me then that I still carry today the truth of what my Aunt meant when she told me to take care of myself. It all began the moment I recognized my spirituality and trusted that my family of angels could give me the strength I needed. I began to feel uplifted each day in my own way, looking at a minute as I would one day. That lead me to my most full health by blind faith I chose to let go of the past and grasps what future I could build. In my imagining and my point of view I know that there were so many other signs that gave me my strong mind to have overcome such a difficult chapter of my life. Almost one year clean and this short writing is one way I have chosen to begin expressing what I went through and how much my life has changed since. To have gone through a life path designed to find a way out, I have a story to share now. I realize my value of self and for the past year have begun to find more faithful knowledge to assist with my growth process. Truly an inspirational hurdle that I never thought I would have catapulted over with the help of wings chosen by belief. I let my walls around my heart down and it was then I began to seek the council and encouragement of those that have passed on. I know it sounds crazy however my family in heaven give me the courage to make the daily changes I need to better understand how I can be my best. After all I put myself through it is an amazing feeling to have this connection to those who love to see me living. Never will I ever go back to those living dead times where I was a zombie to my life. Embracing the new me every day I discover the messages and lessons I am meant to learn from past struggles, confrontations and negative experiences. Always looking for the positive way out and I am blessed to say I found mine through faith.

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