Who I Once Was
Can I just rewind time? Go back to when I was nothing more than happy. To when sadness didn't invade the last thoughts I had. How do you achieve that back? Try to make your life better. And all it does is get worse. How do you be happy? How can you live, knowing that you'll never be as happy as you were. You don't. You trudge along life trapped in the motions. Going with the crowd and being a slave to life's formidable ways? Or do you accept society's drugs. Give in to the pills and become one of the hundreds of zombies that no longer have the art in them that they had before. How do you accomplish your goals when your own mind is telling you, you'll fail in everything you do. But what if you stay that way. What if your illness is your strength. Look at history, all of the most famous writers and artist had a mental illness. But I'll never be them because my own thoughts stop me from showing my art pieces, or reading you my poetry that I love to write. How do you manage to go on through life feeling like nothing.
Well that's the thing, you can't. You can't win every race. You can't be the best writer in the world. Or paint a million dollar art piece. Because to do that you have to befriend your own demons. Because to do that you have to give up part of your own mental sanity. And worse you give up that small piece of who you once were. And the one thing no one will ever take from me is my name. So I'll hide behind a new facade and play life's never ending game. Because I won't be one of you. Because I refuse to let my demons win. Because I'll stay one step ahead of my own demons. Because I'll run and never stop running from the things that take away my happiness. Because I want to laugh in the sun, and dance in the rain. I want to live life knowing that I can make it through the day with whatever life throws at me. And I want to know that I won't do it alone. That I'll have the support of people. But that's not the case, it's never that simple. To others I'm perfectly fine, I smile all the time. But that's the thing... you've never seen me smile in pure happiness because it's easier to throw on a smile that's fake. But you thinks it's real cause it's the only thing you ever see. And you'll only ever see that because when I told you I needed help. That I was drowning in a unseen force of darkness. You told me I was just over dramatic. And that hurt. A lot. But that's okay, because you might have gave my demons a new way to torture my mind. But I know that somewhere out in the world. Someone is going through what I'm going through, and they made it through the day, so I can do it too. That I'll be okay, even if my own demons tell me I won't. Because the sun will rise again, and I'll be there to rise with it above the darkness.
Copyright © Brittany Askins | Year Posted 2017
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