Spent Most of My Time
I’ve spent most of my time looking for someone to love me, thinking it would make me better.
I’ve spent most of my time searching for something to fill the emptiness in my body that is suppose to be occupied by my love for myself.
I’ve spent most of my time searching for happiness.
Yet, I never found it.
Is it because I look for it?
Who knows.
Do I deserve to be happy though?
I find it difficult to love myself.
The list of things I love is very short and doesn’t include myself.
Is it possible for me to love myself?
I’m not sure…
I’ve found myself thinking a whole lot of miserable thoughts.
Is it normal for a teenage girl?
People say that it is.
They say that it is just teenage depression, it is just a phase and it will stop.
I sure hope it will.
Hope.
Hope, is a funny word.
You think you have it but then it is gone.
Hope is false.
Hope is gone.
Well at least for me.
Deadpanned, staring at walls is what I spend most my time doing.
I spend most time deep in thought, wondering if my life will turn around.
If I will be successful.
If I will make the others doubt me look at me in awe.
If they will watch me rise at my highest and watch me succeed.
I am getting ahead of myself,
it is only a dream ruined by this reality.
Copyright © Mara Loyola | Year Posted 2015
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