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Dreaming

It was warm. 
Welcoming me like it was familiar with my body type.
Calming the storm,
bringing me to my senses and knocking me back to reality.

I sunk my head back and gulped.
It filled my ears and slipped into every little naked spot.
The music that played was muffled to my hearing,
i sighed and my thoughts disappeared. 

Focused. 
I was focused on the music and didn't want anything else.
But i just couldn't get it out of my head.
It was bringing me down for a week or so and it always ends up in my head.

Classical.
The soft and smooth rhythm got me to relax and the vibration 
sent little ripples to the water.
Everything seemed perfect when i focused.

Sadness knocking me out of my focus and into a dangerous thought.
What if i was able to drown myself?
Sinking more in, the water touched my lips as the music played as if something was getting more serious behind the meaning. 
I listened carefully as the water tipped my nose.

A second thought hit my mind and my eyes teared up.
They wont miss me.
Will they? 
Or.... no...

Releasing the air from my lungs, i sunk in and i listened to the melody soften.
I began to struggle.
My mind began to scream.
Air was what i was begging for,
but i stayed under- not moving an inch.

His smile reflected in my memory,
His words when i was having my anxiety attack.
His sweet voice when he told me he loved me.
I slipped away from struggle and a great amount of water began to fill my lungs.

I was drowning and all i can think of was his sweet smile and his soft voice in my ears. 
He was my helper, even in this.
My grip became loose on the bathtub and my only thought was him.

I was drowning,
and it was only him.
Just him.
Damn why him?

My eyes were opened,
I tossed off the blanket and slapped my cheeks.
I was drowning. 
Drowning with the thought of him. 

Stepping into the shower, the water it my face and...
i cried.

Copyright © julia chebukina | Year Posted 2017

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