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Paul Andrews Poem
Spare a thought for that poor man
Who used to drive the night soil van
Compelled to do his job at night
So as not to give the ladies a fright.
The butt of many school kids jokes
Never spoken of by more polite folks
But our business was his business
And we were the cause of his distress.
Just think about it
He had to deal with all our sh*t
In the days before septic tanks
He did his work without much thanks.
What right does a man have to judge
Another who works with faecal sludge
If you had to handle someone's excreta
Do you think that you'd be much neater?
And I can well understand
Why no one wanted to shake his hand
But spare a thought for that poor man
Who used to drive the night soil van.
Copyright © Paul Andrews | Year Posted 2026
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Paul Andrews Poem
Spare a thought for the vegan vampire
Loving all creatures is his only desire
Despised by kith and kin
He'll bravely cop it on the chin
Deserves love but only gets their ire.
Spare a thought for the vegan vampire
Wishing to raise his consciousness higher
He prefers lentils
Over eating entrails
As they stop his passions from catching fire.
Copyright © Paul Andrews | Year Posted 2026
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Paul Andrews Poem
There once was a man named Cyril
Who could climb just like a squirrel
You might have the guts
But don’t touch the nuts
Of the man named Cyril the squirrel.
Copyright © Paul Andrews | Year Posted 2026
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Paul Andrews Poem
When day draws to a close
I shall smell a rose
The scent of my feet
Isn’t nearly as sweet
And rather offends my nose.
In fact they’re so bad
They’d make a rat gag
I’ll only wear sandals
Around scented candles
Which is really quite a drag.
Copyright © Paul Andrews | Year Posted 2026
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Paul Andrews Poem
At least once everyday
There is a word that we should say
Said in the morning or at night
Just scream it out - it’ll be alright.
Internet hackers just took all your money
Something like that is far from funny
A little bird just pooped on your shirt
Your load of clean washing fell in the dirt.
Don’t get mad
Or start feeling sad
Just say “bollocks” everyday
And watch all ills just drift away.
*This advice is of a general nature and may not suit everyone’s circumstances. Please consult professional help if necessary.
Copyright © Paul Andrews | Year Posted 2026
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Paul Andrews Poem
Keep the seed going
In the cloud of unknowing
The roots branch out – the plant has grown
Watered by the cloud are the seeds that were sown
The Willie Wagtail punches above its weight
To repel a raven or crow, it will not hesitate
Oh, little bird with such plucky a heart
Turning harassment and evasion into such a fine art
My friend the Rosella with colours so bold
Created by that master painter of old
Be free to wander and screech and sing
May your voice in the forest for an eternity ring
Oh, if I could be a bird and fly
Perhaps I will on the day that I die
To take my place in that eternal nest
And have myself a well-earned rest.
Copyright © Paul Andrews | Year Posted 2026
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Paul Andrews Poem
What did I just step in
It’s sticky and dark brown
I’m trying to walk really fast
But it just keeps slowing me down.
What did I just step in
Is it chocolate or brown glue
Whatever it is it’s sure stuck fast
Right there upon my shoe.
What did I just step in
Is it natural or some waste
Shall I quickly stick my finger in
And have a little taste?
Tasting to identify
Isn’t something you should do
Especially when it turns out
To really be dog poo!
Copyright © Paul Andrews | Year Posted 2026
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Paul Andrews Poem
There once was a gorilla
Whose name was Camilla
She once had a pipe dream
Of eating much ice cream
But it had to be flavoured vanilla.
Her best friend of course
Was a former racehorse
Who just couldn't place
In any horse race
For which she felt much remorse.
Copyright © Paul Andrews | Year Posted 2026
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Paul Andrews Poem
There once was a man named Clem
Who had copious amounts of phlegm
To his consternation
This sticky situation
Happened again and again and again.
Copyright © Paul Andrews | Year Posted 2026
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Paul Andrews Poem
Now this might sound rather silly
But "do not play with your willy"
If you do you will find
That you're sure to go blind
And won't see over the next hilly.
Copyright © Paul Andrews | Year Posted 2026
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