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Matthew Bailey Poem
In a box full of everything I’ve ever lost,
The first thing I’d rummage for is the patience that could’ve led me
To your open arms at any cost
Slow moving nights, without a trace of day-dreamt advice
My home away from home you provided, but without a trace of a porch light
Well I’ll find you but it’ll take so much out of me
And I’ll hunker down and prepare for the motivation I’ll lose suddenly
Well I don’t have the time to find everything
and here is where I put myself aside to choose priorities
But in a box full of everything I’ve ever lost,
The first thing I would scour for
is the opportunity for mental bandages, only a damaged soul could’ve ignored
And every ring of earth's rotation bringing me to a soured destination
Of knowing now, that you were the glass that kept us separated
I’m antagonizing fight or flight so we establish who controls this
My head’s too far in the clouds, I’m blind to where the runway is
And it's getting hard to tell
of what rejections were the world’s protection
And what were just sacrifices
But in a box full of everything I’ve ever lost
The first and only thing I would gaze for,
Is the paper you riveted with every metaphor
That would’ve changed my view of you, had I not tossed
But mistakes are the thorns that bring intimidation to every flower;
Dwelling on them won’t make you more well-rounded
And it’s about time I started living my life in my own honor
Cause everything I’ve ever lost,
Took a nerve laced under skin and numbed the ends
Before the people pleaser in me attempted to plea with one-sided amends
That would have led me nowhere,
With no one to carry me
So in a box full of everything I’ve ever lost,
I’m peering for ashes, post-flame
From a shifting smile that disintegrates
Copyright © Matthew Bailey | Year Posted 2024
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Matthew Bailey Poem
Becoming the prey
I’m melting away like a 5 foot wick
To show a skeleton of who was once the author
Now the pencil tips break and the pens ink tends to escape
My eyelids worked overtime as hazard lights,
Trying to communicate
That I'm still held captive in this reaction
But it's okay,
Cause I could never be the captain anyways
Taping cardboard wings to exit strategies
And sending them through flaming hoops,
Though it's not the spirit I feel I've captured
But I tell myself that it's okay,
Cause I could never tame the lion and be the ringmaster anyways
You already disappeared like a missing plane with no debris
There's a chorus of voices in my head
As painted clusters of imaginary enemies
And sometimes I feel as though your color slips in
With nothing but recycled oxygen and anxiety to give
Maybe this time I won't let you touch me during it
I couldn't count these fights with a tally on the wall like a prison cell
You wanted a battle and you got a war less tangible
You were diving head first, but I had no access to my arsenal
And I'd still give my life to you
But it was never mine to give
And I've always wanted to sing this all out to you
But I'm not Stevie Nicks
And I refuse to admit that you win
Even though I wanted it like this
And you're not one to talk
You already disappeared like a plane, vanished without closure
You’re the personified version of a unknown number
If I'm endlessly terrified of what you think of me, is that terrorism?
You took a dirty needle and injected a lifes supply
Of a doctor-complex
with a degree in misplaced heroism
It's hard not to hear you behind me
With the ground cracking underneath you like glow sticks
And don't tell me you're too lost to find this
Just follow my voice like you did before
And I know you love the role of antagonist
But I really need every confession I can get
Dressed in tiny little bows and wrapped up like presents
I wouldn't put it past you to lie in a courtroom
The stenographer is sweating!
Trying to unpack all these hidden messages you're relaying
I'm bored, and I'm betting we could get more direct answers
From king tut's tomb
I wouldn't be surprised to feel you stab me in the back
In a courtroom
Can I be your exposure therapy?
Can I act so insulted that you feel the need to make it up to me?
I hope you still carry around the blade I bought you just in case
Handmade and white with purple stains,
I wanted you to finally feel safe
Your therapist is sweating!
Trying to figure out why you're not thinking about me, incandescently
Copyright © Matthew Bailey | Year Posted 2023
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Matthew Bailey Poem
How could I exist like this?
Get out of my head and on your knees
For another way to worship
Don’t wait on me, I haven't conquered anything yet
My times a soldier with a leaking social battery
but I've got more danger in the clip than in Chernobyl
And a terrible hill to die on
If this is how duty calls,
Than I don't wanna be noble
I wanna be something you can't live without
Oh, but I’m just a scribble in a page of your autobiography
But I know I’d be the whole damn table of contents
But if I already saw the 3-D movie
Why would I care what the book is about?
How could you exist like this?
Am I something you can't live without?
If our friendship was the town,
I’d be flood and you’d be the devastating drought
You're like the people with split personalities
Each one takes a position on the jury
Where they point the finger at anyone but themselves
And wait for an apology
My restless mind syndrome
Keeps calling and stalling for the toxins to invade
I only hear what I wanna hear
Were my ears produced?
They seem homemade
A lone wolf in sheep's clothing
But it takes two to tango with blame
And I know who you'd have your arms around
When the shame sets in and i’m reduced to a short line from your autobiography
But you're my whole acknowledgments page
You left me waiting for a fleeting answer for years
Is it a hard truth we refuse to hear or is it building suspense?
Does it overcome you with repentance or paralyze your mouth with fear?
The question isn't how did I exist without it
It's how did I exist with it at all?
I might be the final nail hit in your coffin
but you’re just an unpublished table of contents
Every groove in my brain likes to move forward at the quickest rate
While you’re waving to me, fading away in retrograde
But it’s too destructive and counter productive
And it lead me right back to the same hill I chose not to die on
I should've known from the way you saw right through me
That this reliance was just a con
And I hate to spoil the ending
But this sixth sense tells me I’ve been seen through the whole time
and you’re just pretending
A lone wolf in sheep's clothing
with the bite of a great white
You’re a drooling dog with desperate eyes I shouldn’t pet
A house engulfed in flames that I haven’t retreated from yet
Everything I ever created rests inside
But I can’t be a hero in my own story and not end up alive
And to be crystal clear,
This is something I can live without
But the question isn’t whether I can or cannot,
It’s will I fight to keep it alive or will I let it degrade into an afterthought?
Copyright © Matthew Bailey | Year Posted 2023
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Matthew Bailey Poem
You're a fool for starting the friction
But I'm a fool for starting the motion
F you, no I’m a fool for believing the notion
And giving my eyes to the intention
The northern lights fell on me
And open ice sheets make me weary
I can see every breath but I don’t feel alive
I can see every breath but I don’t feel so alive
I need a radio to play this line to me every day:
Never burn yourself
To keep others warm
Never burn yourself
To keep others warm
The truth is
I wouldn’t wish it on anyone
I wouldn’t wish this on anyone
When someone pulls a gun on you,
You pull a bigger one
And when someone tells you to give them a show,
You drop the match on the gasoline and have some fun
You’re never gonna guess what he said to me
You’re never gonna guess because in a murder case,
This would be the clue they all disregard
But turns out to be the missing piece
But everything is evidence when you’re over-analyzing
Take off your detective hat and enjoy my presence while it lasts
Broken bones and a heart-shaped cast
I wouldn’t wish this on anyone
Military grade, tested against god’s fists
But it wasn’t made to last
And I already know the grass is greener on the other side
Every blade is a shard of glass that cuts me everytime I try to forget
Well I don’t forget!
And i’ll remember that I wouldn’t wish this on anyone
But will I remember to never burn myself
To keep others warm?
Im tempted to test it but I know I’ll just forget it
When someone pulls a gun on you,
You pull a bigger one
And when someone says to blow them away,
You throw the match on the dynamite and have some fun
Oh, and there’s that shooting star I wished for
a year and a half before
That asteroid hurtling towards earth
Couldn't hit us any sooner
And who's the son of a that said the grass is always greener?
I know I should bring this all to my therapist
But I’m just gonna forget it
Copyright © Matthew Bailey | Year Posted 2023
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Matthew Bailey Poem
Feel the fear rushing through your pulse
I'm sure it's nothing like the pain I was forced to endure
I'm sure it's nothing but a misplaced heart beat
Like what happens when you're lying
But I'm innocent until proven guilty
I'm sure it's not as bad as I've explained it to be
Some days I think I'm stronger than an ax
Some days I think I'm weaker than a feather in a tsunami
And on the days in between I tell a lie out loud in my room
And try to feel if my heart skips a beat
Maybe a shield of detection would allow for better self reflection
But I'm always innocent until proven guilty
The veins running up until my finger tips
I'm convinced, my self control is just a substance
Sometimes it's flowing, other times I've hit a drought
But it's hard not to cave in
When everyone around me has made me build a wall of defending impending doubt
I'm a martyr of loosely spoken factuality
But yet again, I'm innocent until proven guilty
And some day
I'll realize the skeletons in my closet
Are just costumes that forgot to hide my face
And some day
I'll be better than the outlaws that came before me
That got caught before they could change
A heartbeat in my arm and in my chest and on my neck
I am seething life but obtaining words is knowing
And watering the flowers of our minds is growing
And leading the charge of a change is hoping
And taking steps back isn't always a bad thing
Backing away from a cliff is prevailing
I'm sure this worry is nothing but a lost and dampened heartbeat
But either way, lasting through it and seething life, is surviving
It never mattered if I told a lie
I’m sure God’s got an eye on me anyways
I’m a fire-starter in the walls of broken democracy
But yet again, I’m always innocent until proven guilty
Copyright © Matthew Bailey | Year Posted 2023
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Matthew Bailey Poem
Into the sunset we’ll ride
And we’ll see how much you’ve grown
By the last words you choose to leave behind
We can pretend that heaven denied you
because you found your own path
We can pretend that we all don’t know what’s really going on there
A novel of lies,
Read it and weep
Read it and weep
If wishes were horses, beggars would ride
And it’s easier to rule with silence than to silence the ruler
And it’s an easy ride into the sunset when all your bridges are still intact
And it’s much harder to see the ashes of hell with your head in the clouds
But it’s so unsurprising to see you comforting yourself with a novel of lies
You know that if wishes were horses, beggars would ride
Standing there like a lemon
Thoughts too sour to protect your tower of porcelain
Such sweet irony to know you’re crumbling under that mask
A scroll full of ink of your behaviors that could be their own disorders
Read it and weep
Read it and weep until you crack
Wouldn’t it be nice if we all had genies in our pockets
Karma in a bottle, you gotta harness it the right way
It’s unsurprising you choose spite
Over learning about yourself
A nobel prize winner of carefully woven lies
But you know if wishes were horses, beggars would ride
Into the sunset, away from the burning ashes of your obvious end of the line
Copyright © Matthew Bailey | Year Posted 2023
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Matthew Bailey Poem
Concomitant treatments
And with a medal of honor in pill Russian roulette,
I’m likely to believe it
The problem is
You say everything with confidence
So I’m likely to believe it
You already said you think about me when you wake up
So i’m likely to depend on it
It’s sick and twisted but in all the best ways
A brush with death you didn’t know that you were looking for
Attaching heart strings to boulten boards
Leave me alone with my open heart surgery
or leave me something to savor
The drills on your hands that disguise themselves as fingers,
Are so dangerous to the touch, i’ll have to sign a waiver
Look at me like that again, and I’ll give you something to sever
I said we’d wait until tomorrow, but I should’ve known you’re too clever for that
You must've ripped out my spine
Cause I haven't fended for myself in months!
You must've ripped out my spine
Cause I can't muster more than a gesture
Out of the frayness of my presumptuous throat
And I'm looking at my notes!
I'm stuck on this puzzle that is the last letter you wrote
The problem is
You think about me when you wake up,
You say everything with confidence
And you're an abundance of cleverness,
So I'm likely to depend on it
Copyright © Matthew Bailey | Year Posted 2023
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Matthew Bailey Poem
I'd give you the shirt off my back
But only because I'd need you to like me
The eyesore that is your beat up honda in the driveway
I said I would call but I can see you didn’t believe that
Christmas family gathering but Jesus couldn’t make it
Cigarette burns on the couch and drawers empty of what would've been a year of savings
He could’ve made it, he didn’t wanna come
I thought I heard someone say the disfunction makes it fun
The eyesore that is this hotel room
A pounding headache and a bowl of weed is my best friend right now,
Is my only friend right now
These windows lock for a reason
And these sheets creep off you for a reason
Watch the seasons fall as I show the world how long I can stay in one place
Christmas family gathering but Jesus couldn’t make it
He could’ve made it, he didn’t wanna come
And why would he?
He didn’t wanna try and avoid the cigarette burns
and hear the whispers of a ruby necklace she can’t find
I couldn’t leave,
I couldn’t leave you with that face
Why would you stay?
I’m taking this one to the grave
I’ve seen masochists less willing to suffer,
Waiting to pull shotguns on each other
I’m taking this to the grave
I’m taking this to the grave and I don’t care
There’s no morally gray,
If no one has anything to ponder
I couldn’t leave,
I couldn’t leave you with that face
Why would you stay?
I’m taking this one to the grave
I’ve seen masochists less willing to suffer,
just waiting to pull shotguns on each other
I couldn’t leave,
I couldn’t leave you with that face
Why would you stay?
I’m taking this one to the grave
I’m taking this one to the grave
Oh, the headache that is your speech of what is morally gray
I hope you know but you’ll never know
I’m taking this one to the grave
Copyright © Matthew Bailey | Year Posted 2023
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Matthew Bailey Poem
Sensitive skin
Scraped by sensitive information
If I don't know who I am, then what will I tell everyone?
A scuba diver without his mask is just a body in water
A father without a child is just a stranger
A lion's head on the wall is a symbol of wealth,
Not strength
If I don't know who I am
Then what will people say about me when I'm dead?
How could this possibly have happened to me
With the apple in the pig's mouth?
It’s not as red as my cheeks when I’m around you
But it’s fresher than the lines in my head to try and impress you
But you’re still my good luck charm
And always will be
And how could you be God with all those rips in your pants?
The doctor said, sometimes words fail
But I need to trust you
When your holding the scalpel in your hands
But how could you be God when you need a dog to protect your land?
The doctor said, sometimes words fail
The doctor said, sometimes words fail
But I have to choose to trust you
When you’re the one holding the scalpel in your hands
If you wanna be a leader,
You have to lead once and a while
Part of a lion’s prowess
is standing tall on the highest rock
When no one else will
If you wanna be a hero
You have to save something once and a while
And writing letters and putting them on doorsteps
Is not the same
I wish you held me as close
As you hold the pill bottle to your side
It's so sardonic how you act like it's nothing to depend on them
If you wanna be a hero
Then you have to save something once and a while
And the way your pills have given you a new life
Is not the same
A preacher without a story is just a scammer
A lawyer without a paycheck is just a liar
And myself without defining traits
is just a shell of what I could've been
If you wanna be a beautifier,
You have to feel beautiful once and a while
Since when did hating ourselves become satire?
Only when it boils over, is when we yell to cease fire
And I’ve never cared to be popular
But everyone loves having fans
And how could you be God
as such a harsh judge of character
without a gavel in your hands?
Copyright © Matthew Bailey | Year Posted 2023
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Matthew Bailey Poem
People move on,
People quit jobs
And pay a pretty penny for advice
that couldn't be further from fact
Are you seeing my future in that crystal ball
Or the reflection of my credit card?
But you can be the hopeful
And i’ll be the realist
And make sure when you arrive
Your lips are sealed the tightest
I know we’re all thinking about being worried about what happened last time
And your mirror talk must’ve been out of practice
You have no idea what I know now
Thanks to your unknowing love for a poetic parapraxis
The way you knock on my door
Tells me everything I need to know
The you that kept your fist hanging there
Is the you I sent home
Before the floor turned to ashes
And smoke became the air
Call me Mr. Magazine
Cause my pages are filled with different headlines to make you love me
But we could be in the background of people's favorite photos
I don’t wanna be someone’s top four
I wanna be someone’s whole world
And at this point, the news is just hell on earth
But nothing is heaven
Nothing is heaven
Call me Mr. Magazine
Cause my pages are filled with different headlines to make you love me
And the news at this point is just hell on earth
But nothing is heaven?
Nothing is heaven
But you can be the hopeful
And i’ll be the realist
You didn’t leave religion,
Religion left you
People move on
And people quit jobs
But a part of my heart breaks for them to stay
When I barely even know their names
The way you knock on my door
Tells me everything I need to know
The you that kept your fist hanging there
Is the you I sent home screaming
Before the floor turned to ashes,
And smoke became the air
You didn’t leave your religion,
Religion left you
And at this point, the news is just hell on earth
But this is heaven
You've brought me heaven
And the news at this point is just hell on earth
But this is heaven
This just feels like heaven
But we could be in the background of people's favorite photos
I don’t wanna be someone’s top four
I wanna be someone’s whole world
Copyright © Matthew Bailey | Year Posted 2023
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