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Jan Beaumont Poem
Let's All Drink to Lockdown
by Jan Beaumont ©
I'm normally a social girl
I love to meet my mates
But lately with the virus here
We can't go out the gates.
You see, we are the 'oldies' now
We need to stay inside
If they haven't seen us for a while
They'll think we've upped and died.
They'll never know the things we did
Before we got this old
There wasn't any Facebook
So not everything was told.
We may seem sweet old ladies
Who would never be uncouth
But we grew up in the 60s -
If you only knew the truth!
There was sex and drugs and rock 'n roll
The pill and miniskirts
We smoked, we drank, we partied
And were quite outrageous flirts.
Then we settled down, got married
And turned into someone's mum,
Somebody's wife, then nana,
Who on earth did we become?
We didn't mind the change of pace
Because our lives were full
But to bury us before we're dead
Is like red rag to a bull!
So here you find me stuck inside
For 4 weeks, maybe more
I finally found myself again
Then I had to close the door!
It didnt really bother me
I'd wile away the hour
I'd bake for all the family
But I've got no flaming flour!
Now Netflix is just wonderful
I like a gutsy thriller
I'm swooning over Idris
Or some random sexy killer.
At least I've got a stash of booze
For when I'm being idle
There's wine and whiskey, even gin
If I'm feeling suicidal!
So let's all drink to lockdown
To recovery and health
And hope this awful virus
Doesn't decimate our wealth.
We'll all get through the crisis
And be back to join our mates
Just hoping I'm not far too wide
To fit through the flaming gates!
Copyright © Jan Beaumont | Year Posted 2020
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Jan Beaumont Poem
Failure
By Jan Beaumont
My face is red, my brow is wet,
My temper's really frayed
I just can't do it, it's too tough
My failure's well displayed.
Though many can, it's just not me,
I'm useless through and through
They've tried to show me but it's just
A thing that I can't do.
I've tried my best, but I give up
I need a whisky - neat,
Don't judge me harshly, life's too short
To fold a fitted sheet!
Copyright © Jan Beaumont | Year Posted 2020
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Jan Beaumont Poem
I love food. Sometimes a little much!
Food for Thought
By Jan Beaumont ©?
Each country has food that they're known for
Their own local dish you might say
Some are delicious and some a bit strange
And some I'd just think 'oh no way!'
The Chinese of course have their dumplings
They love their pad thai in Bangkok
In Jamaica there's salt fish and ackee rice too
And most people like food from a wok.
They enjoy suckling pig in Korea
There are burgers in old USA
There's a prawn on the barbie in Aussie
And Italians eat pizza each day.
I have tried tasty frog's legs in Paris
But I didn't enjoy escargot
A tandoori chicken in Delhi's just fine
And black pudding in Scotland's a go!
I really enjoy a Greek salad
A hot bowl of pho in Saigon
Yakatori's a great way to eat in Japan
About food I could go on and on.
Of course there's roast beef in old Blighty
Consumed with a great Yorkshire pud
And smothered in gravy on Sundays
Could anything else be that good?
I love a nice tasty Welsh rarebit
In Canada they eat poutine
We live in one huge worldwide kitchen
I'm sure that you know what I mean.
But now we're back home in New Zealand
With our hangi, our pies, L&P,
Vogels bread and our great kiwi icecream
There is no place that I'd rather be!
Copyright © Jan Beaumont | Year Posted 2020
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Jan Beaumont Poem
Coming Out
By Jan Beaumont ©
I may very well start a new diet
I think it's a good thing to do
Let's face it, I've been a bit naughty
And my figure is showing it too!
The trouble is, which one to follow?
Each one of them's worked in the past
The only thing is, for the program to work
You've got to make sure it'll last!
How long will it take is the biggie
Can you lose 40 pounds in a week?
Can I still have my booze if I've got lots to lose?
If not then the future looks bleak.
I've lost thousands of pounds in my lifetime
I've lost inches from every place
If I think I'm so clever
Then why can't I ever
Not have a big fat about-face?
I've tried some incredible diets
Some mainstream and some a bit queer
Had so many beans on the F Plan
I was truly not nice to be near!
And Weightwatchers worked for a long time
I joined about 10 times you see
They had so many records in so many names
And they didn't twig all those were me!
Tried pre-packaged food, and I liked it
The meals were so easy to heat
But the big problem here, as it soon became clear
It was just too expensive to eat!
Who comes up with all of these diets?
Which one should I choose is the question
Is it Paleo, Atkins, Dukan or South Beach?
No wonder I've got indigestion.
I could name oh so many new food plans
Cabbage soup didn't go down too well
It's true it was highly nutritious
But I just couldn't live with the smell!
The Mediterranean Diet
Was so healthy and really looked fine
So I couldn't believe that I gained fifteen pounds
Do you think it could be all that wine?
And then there's the mad Werewolf Diet
You fast through a full or new moon
Decided I didn't want hairs on my chest
Won't be trying that any time soon!
Went keto and was quite successful
Low carb seemed a great way to go
It became automatic and I was ecstatic
My hip bones were starting to show!
But nothing with me lasts forever
And I put it all back, even more
Though I felt so ashamed no one else could be blamed
So I'm fasting ... oh no, what a bore!
Who knows when this lockdown will finish
And I'll finally have to come out
I'd better pull finger, theres no time to linger
I'll feel so deprived there's no doubt.
So I'll go and get my big girl panties
Pull them up, get a grip, knuckle down
I'll ziplock my mouth when it's not time to eat
Then I'll see you ... back out ... on the town!
Copyright © Jan Beaumont | Year Posted 2020
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Jan Beaumont Poem
Captain Tom
By Jan Beaumont ©
He was somebody we'd never heard of
Just a man quietly living his life
But a man who'd seen things that he shouldn't
Like battle and horror and strife.
He was loved and surrounded by family
Had a home and a warm comfy bed
Then the horrible virus that hit us
Changed the world when it reared its cruel head.
There were so many people who sickened
There were those who were fighting to live
And then there were those who were there by their side
Who were ready and willing to give.
Captain Tom saw a need to do something
He wanted to help where he could
He started to walk in his garden
Back and forth for the NHS good.
He wanted to raise just a thousand
He thought he could do it you see
But instead that old soldier raised millions
Just by walking each day tirelessly.
It's not as if he was a young man
He had lived to a wonderful age
On his one hundredth birthday
They honoured him well
He now found himself on the world stage.
For on his centennial birthday
His name became almost eternal
They promoted the man who'd achieved oh so much
And Tom Moore went from Captain to Colonel!
Michael Ball and our Tom made a record
And it went to the top of the charts
The oldest man ever to be No 1
And of course No 1 in our hearts.
So we thank you for everything,
Colonel Tom Moore
You selflessly gave us your best
You have done us all proud, you're a hero
Now just go put your feet up and rest!
Copyright © Jan Beaumont | Year Posted 2020
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Jan Beaumont Poem
A Shaggy Tale
By Jan Beaumont ©
My hairdresser - like me -
is still on lockdown
My image in the mirror's
made it crack
I'm thinking I should go
into the bedroom
Turn the lock and stay there
till she's back.
I look like some untidy
scruffy hobo
My unkempt mane has turned from
blonde to white
Its grown like garden weeds
In summer rainfall
I'm honestly
A most peculiar sight.
I used to be a natural
shade of auburn
Not ginger, but a rather
fetching red
But now the white
has started reappearing
And what I've got's
a 'piebald' look instead.
I guess I'll have to self apply
some colour
It seems the only thing
that I can do
I'll tuck the messy strands
behind my earlobes
And say a silent prayer
For Level Two.
On Level Four we can't
Go out to movies
No takeaways or cream cakes
From the caf
No shopping, and no visits
To our girlfriends,
This lockdown lark is well
And truly naff.
So Level Three should see us
slightly better
We're hoping that the weeks
will somehow fly
But Level Two's the one
I'm hanging out for
Its enough to make me
drink the cabinet dry.
My image now has gone from
bad to shocking
I think I'll have to put it
To the vote
I'm off to get the
biggest sharpest razor
But ... do I cut my hair
Or cut my throat?
This virus seems to be
A little weaker
I hope so - I can feel
It in my gut.
Let's hope we're down
from Three to Two real quickly
'Cos I'm desperate for
a dye job and a cut!
Copyright © Jan Beaumont | Year Posted 2020
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Jan Beaumont Poem
Cheers for Chocolate
By Jan Beaumont ©
There are some things in life that you can't do without
Those things that make everything great
When you're feeling quite down or you're sad or depressed
Here's happiness right on a plate!
I'm talking 'bout chocolate, that food we all love
I don't care if its milky or dark
Black forest or mint or the old fruit and nut
On a chocolate affair let's embark!
There's Snickers and Kit Kats and Crunchies and Twix
Of Reece's I've got a huge stash
There's chocolate chip cookies and then for a treat
A cake spread with creamy ganache.
Who doesn't like chocolate? There's no one I'm sure
Doesn't crave that delicious ingestion
For chocolate's the answer just every time
And you don't even ask "What's the question?"
I must say I feel quite a rush of delight
As those creme eggs go in through my lips
I cannot say no even though I'm aware
Of how long they will stay on my hips!
There's some say that chocolate is better than sex
But I'm not sure if I'd go that far
It might just come close if you take off your clothes
And spread it all on from a jar!
And then when it's late and the day's at an end
And the final goodnights have been said
You can go in the kitchen and heat up some milk
And take your 'hot' chocolate to bed!
Copyright © Jan Beaumont | Year Posted 2020
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Jan Beaumont Poem
Captain Luca
By Jan Beaumont
Some of us are lucky to have grandsons
Those little boys who make your heart just burst
If I'd known just how much joy I'd find in grandkids
I'd have surely found a way to have them first!
A father-son relationship is special
Its lovely seeing dads with their wee boys
They learn so much from spending time together
That companionship is much more fun than toys.
My grandson's an amazing little fellow
His imagination's wildly off the chart
He knows exactly what he plans on doing
He's six years old but knew it from the start.
He has no plans to be a firefighter
No policeman, racecar driver or mechanic
For he knows just where his destiny will take him
He's going to be the Captain of Titanic!
He knows about the iceberg and what happened
He's quite aware it didn’t end so well
He wants to raise it from Atlantic's seabed
And after that, well only time will tell!
He's planning to get married to his girlfriend
He says he'll call his children 'Jack' and 'Rose'
His wife will watch the wee ones while he's 'busy on the ship'
But just where they will sail to, heaven knows!
I'm sure his plans will change as he gets older
But his future will be brilliant I am sure
For Captain Luca has a great ambition
And long may all his hopes and dreams endure!
Copyright © Jan Beaumont | Year Posted 2020
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Jan Beaumont Poem
Addiction
By Jan Beaumont
I really love my Netflix
I enjoy my Lightbox too
Prime Video's a goodie
and I don't know what I'd do
without my TVondemand
ThreeNow is great as well
and just to top it off
I'm watching Neon for a spell.
For lockdown gave permission
to just turn into a slouch
but now I fear the time has come
to get up from the couch
Go out and feel the sunshine
and meet up with lovely friends
but the love affair with my TV
is one that never ends
There's Blacklist, Vikings, and there's Bosch
and my legs turn to jelly
when I am watching Luther
and see Idris on the telly
I think I've an addiction
and my eyes are turning square
so someone please remind me
there's a whole big world out there!
Copyright © Jan Beaumont | Year Posted 2020
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Jan Beaumont Poem
Anzac Day 2020
By Jan Beaumont ©
As Anzac Day draws nearer and there's not so many left
Of those bright eyed boys who left their native shores
They were SO young, so hopeful of a life that promised much
But they went to fight for freedom, mine and yours.
They left behind their families and so many tears were shed
By their mothers, fathers, aunties, sisters, wives
They never knew the horrors of the things that lay ahead
But willingly they fought and gave their lives.
The ones who came back home to us could often not share stories
Of the things they'd seen, those things they couldn't tell
They quietly returned and tried to go on with their lives
Trying to forget they'd been through hell.
As life went on the years went by and they were getting old
They'd meet each year to talk and reminisce
And then they slowly left us, slipped away without a word
And we lost them, dearly loved and greatly missed.
Each Anzac Day there's fewer now of these courageous men
Those once young boys are bent and frail and worn
Do not forget the lives we have today we owe to them,
Remember well this coming Anzac morn.
Our loved ones, we salute you, we will hold you in our hearts
You've done us proud, you're heroes, truly great
We thank you for your sacrifice, you most beloved men
And say another heartfelt 'Well done, mate!"
Copyright © Jan Beaumont | Year Posted 2020
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