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Best Poems Written by Catalina Freitas-Estores

Below are the all-time best Catalina Freitas-Estores poems as chosen by PoetrySoup members

Details | Catalina Freitas-Estores Poem

My Dying Choice I Live In Regret

To my unborn child, I'm so SORRY
I can't stop this pain, it's a non-stop debate of how it all would be

Painted images and thoughts constantly fill my head
I've tried to escape it but the only way is by being dead

I felt your every move and each kick you'd randomly do
I still pray to wake up and none of this is true

Staring at you through the ultrasound with tears, you were so innocent
supposed to have been a precious gift that God had sent

Instead I completely failed
I gave up so easy like my parents, who ran and bailed

I tried to hold on the best I could
But my head always Wins like I knew this time it would

It feels like just yesterday that I remember
Laying awake , rubbing my belly and promising to love you forever

For the first time I was starting to feel so happy
Because finally I wasn't alone, I had you there always keeping me company

I instantly changed for you
gave up on all my dreams and for a better future, I even went back to school

That first day I seen you on the ultrasound
I whispered a promise to always protect you and never to let you down.

But now I'm here wishing It was me that ended up dead
And for you to experience living in happiness and well fed

Please know I didn’t want to do any of it
You would of only been taken into foster care because of your parents being seen as unfit

Ever since that day you were sent back to God my life has changed for the worst
Its like my selfish decisions and KARMA left me forever cursed

Truth is I no longer live with desire
That girl who was once successful, no longer has that same fire

Everyday I wake up
and hope no one sees my pain through all this makeup

This is one mistake I can never find a way to forgive myself
I get anxiety thinking of them ripping your body apart and how scared you must of felt

I promised that I was going to protect you
Embarrassingly I broke that promise and took your life too

I've been through hell in life
But this is lethal makes me want to stab my own heart with a knife

Lost all this hurt and pain that I feel and to escape it I don't know what else to do
I'm nothing more then a coward, a selfish decision that ended instead with making me look like the FOOL.

This is my story of how I still remain living in regret
I will make sure to not make this same mistake and donating my eggs is how i chose to pay off this debt!!!!!!!

Details | Catalina Freitas-Estores Poem

Me

It gets cold sometimes .
I’ve waited for a long time .
I was a 8 year old little girl .
Rapped by my foster father .
Feels a lot better alone .
No sweaty touch or breathing .
No Looking over my shoulder .
Fear grew as I got older .
30 & Still yearning for isolation 
Time disintegrates,still I wait.
Once believed, I have no faith .
I’m a victim of sexual assaults .
They say it’s possible to heal .
But life made it harder to feel .
I’ll never find true closure .
Shame I hide from exposure .
I am not human!!!!!
Nor common like living things! 
A lonely girl/orphaned child.
      SAVE ME FROM ME ?!?!

Details | Catalina Freitas-Estores Poem

Because I Live

I AM A Foster Child THAT FAUGHT AGAINST SOCIETIES STIGMA 
    In a world off track from thoughts like mine.  
In a dream, rewinding back, are the hands of time. 
 
In a place where I look to-and-fro,
 searching for someone to save me from this low. 

Trauma expressed through words unclear, 
maturity followed in the rear.  

I always push myself, digging up potential, and polishing a heart of good.  Spoke to a voice of only wealth  misunderstood.  

Images, utmost despair, 
surfaces just to tear me down. 

   Illusions, not even prayer, touch my lips, erase my frown.  

       A mother, does she understand? 
         A father, what is in his plan? 

My guidance, do they set the tone? 
All have left.  AM I all alone.

  To contemplate self-destruction,
 I do not fit this world’s construction. 

What must I do to change my views? 
What leads me to the life I choose?

Dysfunction is a family trait.  
So why is this something I hate?

Do I choose to rise above, 
in hope to find something I love? 

          Will I be accepted then or will my voice fade in the wind?

  A problem that I must not share, 
although I want someone to care. 

Concern’s a shadow.  Will I heal?  
My thoughts, a matter, unrevealed.

Why must I feel like I belong? 
Does family stand proud and strong?

A parentage that lacks in splendor, 
where growth of social skills is hindered. 

Do peers bond with elite in homage? 
Do they find traits they have in common?

  Amidst the crowd, among the few, 
where do I find myself, a new?  

Puberty has scars that hide, 
beneath the surface, 
they are wide.

  Does education have a place? 
Is my life a total waste? 

Will my plight become assuaged? 
The answers, they’re not on the page.

  I wander lost in my distress.  
What does it cost to pass the test? 

Feign contentment.  
Leave not a clue. 
 A guise to keep my thoughts from view.  

Shut out world to build a wall.  
My folks astounded when I fall.

To focus on the problem’s core,
 do I seek help from the Lord?

  When pain’s too deep for thoughts to center,
Do I find a guide, a friend, a mentor. 

A child-like faith is on the brim of confidence 
found strong in her in light becoming very dim.  

Intellect grows with nutrition developed 
     'till it meets fruition.  

This is the hope that keeps me still.  
It helps me cope and keep it real!

QUOTED FAVORITES :

   “ Failure is not the OPPOSITE of success”,
                  ITS PART OF SUCCESS.

Details | Catalina Freitas-Estores Poem

My Self Hidden Shadow

My hidden shadow is a stage
daily entertained with memories of all that caused me broken heartbreaking rage

As common as dirt
this hidden shadow dares to taunt me with only of what involves pure hurt

shadow, 
Why are you so cruel ?

You have journeyed aside my entire life and yet no mercy for what you seen me go through ?

Nothing but a block to the better me.
You might have gotten most of me but I wont stop fighting back to escape and finally be free.

Soon you shadow will know light!!!!
Due to nearby diffraction soon to occur you will have no more blackness but stripes of color that will shine so bright !

Written as a Quotes 
       "When it rains look for rainbows“.
   "When it’s dark look for stars".

Dear shadow self,

  You were my bitter sweet moment that will drive me far from darkness,
Because with you I wont forget how 
miserable I felt!!!

Details | Catalina Freitas-Estores Poem

The Frontline Behind Closed Doors

Thoughts of my abuse courageously spirals out of control

No drug in this world can conquer this raw resilience…..

Its ability to conivingly creep up with silence leaves the deepest wounds
The pain is unbearable I have yet to understand this power of a weapon in which wins each torment

Let alone in the utmost cunningly yet destructive way

Im defeated and weakness follows so forth comes embarrassment 

How do i lack such intelligence 
The approach was Louder than a lions chilled skin roar.

Forgiveness knocks but mercy is not welcomed
No excuses can fulfil comfort towards complete lazy Disappointment…….. 


Each night brings me to my knees as tears fall heavy like the most powerful minnesota treacherous flooding lakes 

Visualizing what surrounds me are only false hope and Broken unpairable glass
Each piece screams such ear reckon evil words verbal abuse

so damaged and runned down that hope is no longer in my dictionary of self motivational fall back techniques I have created for myself

While no one knows the real secret of how my own mind is responsible for unanswered closures or true self healing

Its a simple Commonsense math equation 
FLASHBACKS MULTIPLIED BY ABUSE EQUALS DEEP CUTS LEFT WITH BLACK AND BLUE MARKS THAT BRUISED 

Taken amongst places far from this limited man built world
I was a new mother being stripped of all my female qualities and told I’m worthless his sloppy seconds was all that I deserved.

Details | Catalina Freitas-Estores Poem

My Hidden Shadow

My dark shadow is a stage
daily entertained with memories of all that caused me broken heartbreaking rage
As common as dirt
this black shadow dares to taunt me with only of what involves pure hurt
shadow, why are you so cruel
you have journeyed aside my entire life and yet no mercy for what you seen me go through
nothing but a block to the better me
you might have gotten most of me but I wont stop fighting back to escape and finally be free
soon you shadow will know light
due to nearby diffraction soon to occur you will have no more blackness but stripes of color that will shine so bright
written as a quotes " when it rains look for rainbows"
"when its dark look for stars"
Dear shadow self,
You were my bitter sweet moment that will drive me far from darkness because with you I wont forget how miserable I felt

Details | Catalina Freitas-Estores Poem

Damaged

Disassociation 
Am I fixable? 
Followed instructions 
Like a leaking faucet Resembling what remains broken 
Causing built up droplets to overflow
Drowning
Time is rusted 
Disintegrating 
Mold forms over what once sold as stainless steel 
Can someone fix me?

Details | Catalina Freitas-Estores Poem

Self-Scrutiny

What enables me to infuse life with such meaning and my activity of cognition to understand a black and white humanity approach???

How did i discover such uncommon grounds in mist of struggles that has steered me far from using drugs like my parents for a quick easy way to help one cope!!!!

Im spiraling out of control due to this wall that shuns out all ways in uncovering the other half that completes this woman i have yet to fully meet.

Even myself overpowers the ability to seek traits deeply within tucked away so discrete.

One thing is for certain i carry around such high pride.

I wish someone could save me because lately I have felt so alone
Its immortal if i shared just how much this body has shed every night i've cried.

Things are becoming extremely intense and out of control.

Im in aw to see how strong this chaos impacts my survival techniques
I cannot do this anymore i'm suffocating i'm not made for this mother role.

Why is it that no matter what route i choose to take.

All odds finds its way to push against my will
With so much pain im so close to seeing my soldier self buckle to my knees and wholeheartedly break.

Will i be judged for what might be its first obstacle i cannot conquer?!?!

I am unable to run to find safe comfort emotionally
I have nothing!! no family!! No friends!! I have nothing that keeps me anchored.

Who am i….
Where do I belong?
I need to find my home, anyone out there?

Im being swallowed by how much has stomped on me all at once

What kills me most is my son who didn't ask to be here but he will have to live by rules from my decisions leaving him treated unfair

I search for a self of belonging but question who do i blame .

Family was always irrelevant so who do I look to in hopes I only see a reflection that shares features like me ‘ all the same’.

Defined as a foster child kept me isolated from the rest

Last in line, picked in the end and even if i tried i failed at ever being even 2nd best

As i grew older ,

I looked forward to things getting better
But life got harder and my heart grew way colder

The end result has me a single mother at the age of twenty eight....

Double the abuse

Added sense of lost

Yet i am still fighting

to find where i belong to unlock more of who i am while all this chaos slowly tares down at my mental state!!!!!!!!!