Self-Scrutiny

What enables me to infuse life with such meaning and my activity of cognition to understand a black and white humanity approach??? How did i discover such uncommon grounds in mist of struggles that has steered me far from using drugs like my parents for a quick easy way to help one cope!!!! Im spiraling out of control due to this wall that shuns out all ways in uncovering the other half that completes this woman i have yet to fully meet. Even myself overpowers the ability to seek traits deeply within tucked away so discrete. One thing is for certain i carry around such high pride. I wish someone could save me because lately I have felt so alone Its immortal if i shared just how much this body has shed every night i've cried. Things are becoming extremely intense and out of control. Im in aw to see how strong this chaos impacts my survival techniques I cannot do this anymore i'm suffocating i'm not made for this mother role. Why is it that no matter what route i choose to take. All odds finds its way to push against my will With so much pain im so close to seeing my soldier self buckle to my knees and wholeheartedly break. Will i be judged for what might be its first obstacle i cannot conquer?!?! I am unable to run to find safe comfort emotionally I have nothing!! no family!! No friends!! I have nothing that keeps me anchored. Who am i…. Where do I belong? I need to find my home, anyone out there? Im being swallowed by how much has stomped on me all at once What kills me most is my son who didn't ask to be here but he will have to live by rules from my decisions leaving him treated unfair I search for a self of belonging but question who do i blame . Family was always irrelevant so who do I look to in hopes I only see a reflection that shares features like me ‘ all the same’. Defined as a foster child kept me isolated from the rest Last in line, picked in the end and even if i tried i failed at ever being even 2nd best As i grew older , I looked forward to things getting better But life got harder and my heart grew way colder The end result has me a single mother at the age of twenty eight.... Double the abuse Added sense of lost Yet i am still fighting to find where i belong to unlock more of who i am while all this chaos slowly tares down at my mental state!!!!!!!!!