Without the pain, who i am?
It’s past 2 am again,
And there's an itch in my chest,
Not for sleep, not for peace,
but for complete numbness.
I don’t know how long i’ve been lying here,
scrolling, staring, spiraling,
begging my thoughts to stop chewing me alive.
Every corner of my mind feels bruised
But all i’ve done is exist.
i keep saying i don’t want to feel like this anymore
but the truth?
i don’t know, without the pain
who I am
Without the ache that wraps around my ribs
and holds me tighter than anyone else
without the silence
that sits beside me in bed
and stays longer than anyone ever has
But sometimes,
i want to drink my feelings away
get so high that i forget my own name
But i dont want those substances
I want what it promises
A break, a breath, for a few hours,
even for a few moments
No, i don't crave the taste of wine
But, I wish i could leave this head of mine
I want the silence
that doesn't make me feel punished
Stillness without the guilt
I just want something to wash this
fkng feeling out of me,
scrub the grief off my skin.
Burn my throat to the point
I forget how to speak.
But i don’t do it.
I just sit here sober
and feel everything.
feel it burn through me
like acid in my throat,
like screaming underwater,
like heartbreak that never got
the dignity of a goodbye ever.
I feel so fking pathetic
I give advice like i’m wise,
Like i know so much more.
But when it comes to me,
I'm suddenly a child again
crying on the floor.
Begging my mother to love me,
hold me in her arms just once more.
I speak like I've got it all figured out,
But i can’t even hold myself together,
even for a minute more,
without thinking about the past
Without falling the fck apart
Without wondering if i was ever loved
or just used all along.
But, i don’t want to die
I just want to pause
I just want to blackout,
just for a little while and forget
there's pressure in my chest
Forget what's haunting me,
the quiet war that wont let me rest.
I want the silence to stretch my chest so wide
to the point there's no room
for memories, for longing
for anything at all
I just want to sleep
To fall into the arms of a dream
and not hear "you'll be fine"
because maybe i wont
Maybe i’m not
maybe this is just a part of me,
part of who I'll ever be
I just want to shatter quietly
without letting anyone know
Because i’m the strong one
And i have to glow.
But tonight I'm not
And tonight i dont want to be
the one that glows
Tonight i want to be consumed by darkness
untill there's nothing left of me
nothing at all
Copyright ©
Maybe Moni
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