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Isolated in Crowded Places
If life is a party--
I stay halfway in the doorway
half-hoping nobody notices me
half-wishing somebody does
The question, is it really having fun
when one has to force it so much?
If I would’ve just stayed home
the comfort of my own bubble
I wouldn’t have to sweat beneath
this mask of confidence
I just want to camouflage myself under neon
I just want the music to mute the loudness my mind sounds
I just want to live amongst the chatter and laughter
without worrying if it’s at my expense
If life is a party
why am I the only one alone here?
The room is loud
but I’m swallowed by silence
surrounded yet untouched
I shove myself so far into my solitude
I’ve made my safe space
no longer retreatable
unbreathable,
suffocation
isolation
My therapist says I can’t have my cake and eat it too.
Says, “It’s not that nobody likes you, you just don’t let people know you”
Loneliness eats at me
like the greedy eat cake and have it too
chews me up,
spits me out,
swallows me whole,
scarfs me down
I am park abandoned
amusement removed
Once epicenter of joy
Now decayed, movement drained
Welcoming no one--no refunds
If life is a party
I’m pinata perked with push pins
Loneliness sticks, sinks into me
Driving deeper with each impact
beaten
battered
shaken
shattered
I long to poke through the loneliness
ballooning inside and bid it soar
but there’s only so much reality
you can bend for a metaphor
It’s my party and I’ll holler all I want to
I think it’s time I reclaimed the stage
instead of shrinking myself so small
under my own spotlight
I am sick of being a background character
in my own stories I share
I am jealous of feeling empty
when everyone else belongs
So here I am
rainbow, glitter, and all that glam
Ain’t I fantastic?
Ain’t I the last
performance you were expecting tonight?
I am the hard liquor that can’t be held down
I am the tempo that can’t be kept up with
I am human being deserving of celebration
I am the last performance
you were expecting tonight
but I didn’t come just
to leave quietly
I came to be the life of the party.
Copyright ©
Talon Drake
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