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I Grieve the Man I'll Never Get to See
It’s lonelier to grieve.
Because I knew you.
Because I loved you.
Because I still do.
And now I carry that love
Like a body that won’t stop breathing.
I cry for the life you didn’t live.
For the mornings you missed.
For the years I still imagine even though
I know better.
I cry because I saw you becoming
And then I saw you stop.
I drown in thought.
Not memory
That would mean you were here.
I drown in the future I built around you.
The one you never asked for
But I gave you anyway.
You were supposed to stay.
You were supposed to grow old.
I grieve the man you never got to be.
The one I still talk to in my head when I’m scared
Or tired
Or pretending I’m fine.
I grieve the version of me
Who would’ve loved you longer.
Who would’ve learned how to forgive you for leaving.
I hate the silence. It sounds like you.
I hate the quiet. It feels like you.
I hate the way I still wait for something
that isn’t coming.
You are gone.
But you are everywhere.
In the things I can’t say.
In the breath I hold.
In the way I keep living
Like it means something.
~~~
Copyright ©
Veronika McCarl
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