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MASSIVE EGG RECALL
good evening—breaking news:
the fda has issued
a nationwide egg recall
reason: some cartons
were fertilized
yes, you heard correctly
your breakfast may
now produce a baby
millions of americans
sit frozen at kitchen tables
staring at half-eaten omelets
wondering if they need
a lawyer
or a pediatrician
one viewer from ohio writes:
“i was scrambling eggs
when they started crying
do i call child protective services
or just add salt?”
big egg industries sources claim
bribed lobbyists
suppressed fertility warnings
just in time
for breakfast futures trading
cable sponsors—
who also sell omelet insurance
covering spontaneous embryo custody
assure us this is
one hundred percent verified breaking news
side effects include:
morning sickness during zoom meetings
crib assembly at chick-fil-a drive-thrus
the compulsion to name your benedict
“skylar”
existential dread when separating yolks from whites
pyramid-scheme enrollment via qr codes on the shell
harvard scientists warn:
two sunny-side-ups may yield
nobel laureates
spontaneous jazz hands
or minor levitation paired with
knowledge of your neighbors’ wi-fi passwords
naturally, the world beyond our borders
hasn’t remained unscrambled:
france has placed croissants
under criminal investigation
japan’s sushi chefs refuse tamago
brazil gps tracks every shell
meanwhile, the un convenes
an emergency brunch summit
sponsored by the international egg corporation
where diplomats are quietly bribed
with gold-plated omelet forks
back on home soil, congress drafts
the emergency breakfast safety act:
background checks for roosters
three-day waiting periods for omelets
mandatory fertility counseling at waffle house
federal subsidies for contraceptive mayonnaise dispensers
lobbyists call it
common sense breakfast reform
within hours, social media combusts
#omeletbabychallenge racks up
six hundred million views
tiktok tutorials teach parents to livestream
their yolks’ first steps
instagram moms post bump selfies
with sunny-side-ups on their heads
reddit hosts black-market egg auctions
influencers promising your child
will be a youtube sensation
analysts predict chaos:
daycare demand up 73 percent
high-chair shortages nationwide
protests outside cracker barrel and ihop
by parents who never signed consent forms
before french toast
meanwhile, cable news airs live footage
of omelets filing restraining orders
against children
yet, when the yolk settles
the real crisis isn’t the eggs
it’s us
we’ve built a world
where breakfast requires liability waivers
where nourishment demands legal counsel
where even hunger itself becomes content
packaged, monetized,
and sold back to us
by the very corporations
who profit from our confusion
so remember:
if your refrigerator starts charging child support
if your omelet demands visitation rights
if your eggs develop political opinions
and begin posting about their diet on instagram
you are not hallucinating
you are witnessing america 2025
where we’ve commodified creation itself
turned sustenance into spectacle
and made even the yolk of life
a corporate product
this has been your breakfast
this has been your news
this has been your life
sponsored by the very chaos it creates
the broadcast fades out
chyron:
massive egg recall
breakfast now under federal review
paternity testing
and disclaimer:
you may already be breakfast
Copyright ©
Daniel Henry Rodgers
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