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Awaking from stupor
I was never quite a candy kid
But I jumped right into the soup
I had a list of my favorite chemicals on the wall in college, a tribute, an ode
My first cigarette owned me, called on a claim already staked somehow
Drinking couldn’t call itself casual until lots of practice tackled it
Caffeine…my lover
I am convinced I was born with hitherto undiscovered “coffee receptors” that trigger a connection to the great spirit of the universe
My body absorbs it like holy water
But like water, in desperation any form will do, any means of getting it in my system
Caffeine and I have always seen eye to eye
I even forgave it for the near heart attack it gave me one ugly day in college
We shook hands and kissed before the next essay
That first night in the back of an old VW bus, a block ride, somebody’s brother
I scuttled home in the dark and brought a chair outside by the window
Buckle seatbelts and fly!
Weed flooded every emotion I ever loved and muffled the rest
I could buy an island with the money I’ve turned to smoke
It’s a delicate dance to avoid crossing the line, and I keep redrawing the line
Doctors have jumped in and tried to correct this mess
I basically created a machine with chemical knobs and learned operation by trial and error
The pile of collateral damage was becoming awe-inspiring
They asked, why did you build this machine?
It took years to find the real answer
In the meantime they built their own knobs and started thoughtfully twiddling
It was hard to float a boat in that soup
I’m still stuck in it, but the weather is so much better
I think if I decided to strip my brain of every substance but food and water…
I would be as fragile as a baby whose eyes have not yet opened
It’s upsetting
But things have started changing!
It’s exhilarating,
Rough, rugged
Astonishing, like taking OFF glasses and seeing more clearly
For the first time I have been given a completely different tool
I have a power I stopped believing in
I can change how I woke up and met the world 38 years ago
PERMANENT change
My life’s pursuit of balance has centered around compensation
A constant feed of expiring interference and adjustment
Now I can repair
There’s no trail of blood, no terrible side effects to manage
I am trying to hold that sword in one hand and use the other to plug my ear to the siren calls alongside me
My old companions, standing by, saying everything they can to get me to come out to play
Yeah I go
Still I go, but I come home
What can I say?
My entire life fits in this frame of reference
It’s very difficult to let go
But I am lucky
I find the clarity addicting too
It is a many splendored thing to stand in a fresh breeze with all five senses completely unfiltered
To add depth defying layers to every thought
To nearly dance from the impact of emotions zooming wild and free
I need to close down every last hiding place, convince every last scrunched up feeling tucked away in there that I will not fall over
I know first steps are always unsteady
But I want to walk
Walk? I want to run!
Copyright ©
Payge Terner
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