Long Salmonella Poems
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Aren't many or any finer than Dan me ol mucker & china who now looks out for nightmare cooks or crooks making money off the books with rare meat on dirty hooks in filthy nooks but don't care want to give him a shiner for saying don't be hasty or cheat prepare pukka tasty tucker & succour...safe fayre to eat for every diner...
Owners booming hysteria at inspector criteria
Kitchens so unclean like a war scene in Liberia
Zooming in you find they're grooming Listeria
Rightly fuming that it is blooming like wisteria
Hardly stellar told fella to have old mortadella
Rank covered in dank mould stank in the cellar
Dan who's a fan of Paul Weller is a fortune teller
Scores on doors stop more spores of Salmonella
Suss some are no faff or fuss a them & us schism
Despairing whiners cuss not caring about criticism
Cleanliness next to Godliness just an anachronism
Foolish witticism as diners get ghoulish botulism
Out of date food they buy deny do things on the fly
Just comply no treason and here’s the reason why
If duff stuff you season on the sly to try and get by
The Council’s the fall guy as folks do die from Ecoli
Hunch lunch or brunch scare dodgy ware of tupper
Owners get shirty but it’s so dirty can’t serve supper
Ask my man Dan this is not a masterplan to scupper
A public sector inspector would rather have a cuppa
Eggs, eggs, glorious eggs
I could eat 'em three time a day
Scrambled, poached or sunny side up
I love 'em any old way
Eggs, eggs, glorious eggs
Like a yummy egg salad sandwich
Devilled eggs, I could eat by the dozen
I'll even try one from an ostrich
Eggs, eggs, glorious eggs
Now to some, this may sound icky
At times I'll add a raw one to my cereal
That's probably not for the finicky
Eggs, eggs, glorious eggs
I'm aware of a most recent recall
Detected a trace of salmonella poisoning
Now that won't deter me at all
Eggs, eggs, glorious eggs
Just keep eating 'em, don't have a choice
A day without these delightful wee treasures
Is the pits, no chance to rejoice
© Jack Ellison 2012
I signed up for beginner lessons at a gourmet cooking school
Everything was going well at first; the chef was pretty cool
Aroma of well-seasoned chicken parmesan made me drool
But that was before the dramatic entrance of a silly fool
Smilin' like the Cheshire Cat, his name was Dulydunnylac
He went stridin' around the kitchen, callin' everyone, 'Jack.'
We were dressed in white, but Duly said he only wears black
Chef said, "Not here, you won't, and don't think of talking back."
Duly mumbled as he made pasta, but I ignored his chit chat
He made a dish with ginger; called it 'Gineramacolgeepat'
The chef sniffed it before he took a bite, and then he spat
No words spoken, but their eyes locked in scornful combat
I created a dish in Duly's honor, and named it 'Egernomenality'
which translated into, "Duly is eager but has no mentality"
He took a bunch of swings at me with enthusiasm and vitality
so I had him arrested and he'll appear in court for an illegality
The whole class graduated, 'cept for Duly, that big surly fella
We made spicy Florinella pizza, loaded with extra mozzarella
but some classmates were turning the shade of yucky yella
One by one we were hospitalized, suffering from salmonella
Speak low
Remain Unheard
Still an option
Sound horrible
As Noise
Trickles
Lies within its
Inaudible worth
I wont hear of it
What's said
Remains confident
As confidential
One word single word
Heard aloud
Expect quick
Uproared calamity
Sloppy slightly
Undermining
This rooms
Crowd unprepared
For three guns
Maximum
Before chaos
On tippy toes
ing
Dont start
An eruption
These are not
Intellectuals
Made to be
There purpose
Dull wittles
Idiots wrong
Place wrong
Credentials
Lutenants
At most
Still though
The sure
meaning ignorance
Full cups laid around
Unpredictable
But also
ing quiet
Green boys
hard headed
Think love
Isnt confusion
Understand
As understood
By young
Dull wittles
Idiots
To carry over
Thoughts
Immortal
Make sure
They get it tomorrow
Walking animals
Hunters shot
To crush
As livestock
Before death
For told
They die twice
Before slude
So ing
Whisper or
Best address
Quietly take
Stock sliding
the docket over
Your breath
Stale beer
salmonella
Will end you
Quick like
These kids
Poor decision
Being tossed
A.slow death
Set by
weaker men
Broke agenda
Slow Moment
Just this
People are
Born to die
Going to die
Wait for
A tec is on its way
What is this
Where are we
Wrong brothel
Its 2025
I really should
Try harder
Out of this wall
Im a rodent
Dying inside
A cement wall
Waiting for nothing
is this a wall
Can I get out
From here realistically
Form:
Single slippered Cinderella
Yesternight’s ball bella
Angelic voices heard a cappella
Followed by lovely clarabella
The dinner served was paella
With a side of shredded mozzarella
While faking a case of salmonella
Cinderella invited her fella
To follow her into the cella
Lingering aroma of citronella
With a pleasant tinge of canella
No secrets told near mimicking corella
Misplacing both shoe and umbrella
[ Clarabella = instrument much like a flute; Cella = a room in a temple; Corella = a cockatoo ]
AP: 3rd place 2025
Submitted on April 28, 2018 for contest ANY RHYMING POEM IN APRIL sponsored by LAURA LOO - RANKED 4TH
FRED THE PERV.
Kinky Fred stole knickers off the line
One summer night his haul totalled nine
His spree ended in tears
Got an extra ten years
When Judge Sue said that red pair were mine.
LARS.
A young astronaut from NASA called Lars
Blasted off from Cape Kennedy to Mars
But then there was a glitch
When he pressed the wrong switch
Last seen heading at warp speed to the stars.
PETE.
A young pianist from New York called Pete
Could play William Tell using his feet
But he fell of his chair
And he started to swear
Was booed off and thrown into the street.
JOHNNY GABLE.
A mean old waiter called Johnny Gable
Saw a man choke to death on a bagel
He then shifted his body
To the side of the lobby
Said forgive me but we need the table .
O'TOOLE.
A forgetful pilot Johnny O'Toole
Was over the north sea flying to Bule
Then both engines spluttered
Under his breath muttered
Looked at his gauge and screamed no ruddy fuel.
OLD GANGSTER.
An old gangster rose from rags to riches
Got rid of all his traitors and snitches
They'd find in their bed
A racehorses head
Or find themselves sleeping with the fishes.
THE BAKER.
An unwashed old baker from Idaho
Had filthy fingers when kneeding the dough
Folk choked on his paella
Some died from salmonella
Got closed down and ended up on skid row.
O'KEEFE.
A fella by the name of O'Keefe
Was the long serving town's police chief
Someone stole the mess cookies
Everyone blamed the rookies
But it turned out O'Keefe was the thief.
AMOUROUS MICHAEL.
Amourous young Michael from Mayo
At a girls house he tried to stayo
She started to shouto
And then kicked him outo
Said she" you're not staying no wayo."
NIGERIAN POEM THIEF.
A sly poem thief from Nigeria
On the soup caused a mass hysteria
He stole soupers work
Soupers went beserk
On the run now cos he's in fear of ya.
Written 18th august 2019.