Long Hemorrhoids Poems
Long Hemorrhoids Poems. Below are the most popular long Hemorrhoids by PoetrySoup Members. You can search for long Hemorrhoids poems by poem length and keyword.
one set of bald tires,
slick as a turtle's head;
the engine won't start,
'cause the battery's dead
sank my last dollar,
on this piece of ol' junk;
all it does is rattle,
"clunkety-clunk!"
a funky shrewd dealer,
wearin' high water pants;
sold me a lemon,
then did a happy lil' dance
mix-matched panels,
from front to side;
where are the seat belts?
it's almost suicide!
too bad i ain't in hades,
'cause i'm havin' a chill;
this clunker dies out,
when i drive up a hill
the seats are worn and tattered,
i'm feelin' paranoid;
every time i hit a bump,
i'm pushin' hemorrhoids!
when i try to do sixty,
i can only reach ten;
i think i need a priest,
this car's a wicked sin!
when it comes to braking,
i'm guaranteed to lose;
it's another day at Pay Less,
to replace my worn out shoes
this car's got more dents,
than an 18th century bed;
when i cruise the neighborhood,
i hide my shallow head!
i pulled up to a corner,
next to a homeless dude;
holding a sign that read,
I'LL GLADLY WORK FOR FOOD
he reached into his pockets,
pulled out a load of change;
"take your car to the vet!" he pled,
"i think it's got the mange!"
such a funky lemon,
for now it'll have to do;
beware of the shady dealer,
he'll sink his fangs in you!
Drugs Are Safe
Toximints cure Gingivitis, keep breath clean and breed bacteria
Come with a money back guarantee with rest and also good for death
Sold in packs of 10 to delight and whiten teeth
Takes smiles away as advertised
An added bonus is the hemorrhoids
They come for free with every purchase
Chew them at church, as a remedy for pox
Don’t read instructions
Swallow them whole. Choke a chicken first for luck
Toximints are good for children too
It may cause cancer or drowsiness in the young
Don’t drive machinery while using it
Studies show it causes sudden fatality as prescribed
Ask your doctor what you should do
Easy to consume in capsule form or pills
Like all pharmaceuticals, keep them out of reach
The makers want to thank you for your support
Swallow products they endorse
This drug is safe. We love your money
It is advised you take it rectally for best results
Our sponsors insist you die to buy more of our stuff
He bought a product against hemorrhoids at the pharmacy
The word alone can do many people wrinkle their noses
Product information :
"Should be inserted approximately 3 cm up into the rectum
Keep out of reach of children"
(.... 3 cm up in the a#s, children have impossible access)
Suppository should be stored in the refrigerator "
In the fridge ... he became very confused
20/01/2021
Sun :) - A-L Andresen :)
Copyright © All Rights Reserved
cuz poisonous toxins sting like scorpions
severely crimping ability to sit down absorption
radiating throughout every
cell guaranteeing abstention
against hidebound contract, no
ifs, ands, nor but tucks
whereby mood linkedin
to nihilistic abstraction
particularly as quasi pincers jabbed
like sharp serrated knives acceleration
guaranteed, where bum rapped cheekily
prospective hemorrhoids increased accentuation
pro bono (cher red) bloody stools,
this tetchy, itchy, y,...
bard declined invitation,
nee I rejected outright asinine acceptation
within bowel running toward toilet trees
squeezing keister exhausting effort in vain
scheduled medical appointment
gave curled lipped grudging acclamation
acquiescing nod toward grim reaper
worth casting die i.e. permanent resolution,
nary one more infinitesimal fraction
of second, could bare witness re: acclimation
or spelling alternate spelling acclimatization
experiencing, idolizing, lurching...,
sought after emetic interaction
with commode preoccupation
nearly twenty four hours
'tween latter part of September eighth
and ninth laxative delivered accommodation
at long last me no longer tortured
relieved, overjoyed, belated...
rear (rare) accreditation
proffered prior to accretion
lest I forcibly axed to join acculturation
of medical anomalies, you better blivet!
Learning when/how to close seat then...
flush... the toilet with good frisson!
(alternately titled long windedly
using lower case letters:
no matter tidily bowled over based
upon real events, perhaps subject devoid
of literary merit and/or taste
no embarrassment, cuz
I got nothing to cover
despite precious time going to waste).
Analogous to constipation,
constitutes full term pregnancy,
perhaps umpteenth or first,
which former offal bodily function I durst
mention, said subject doth stink,
yet... exercising bowel
applicative, constrictive, effective,
exhaustive, gesticulative, instinctive,
massive, oppressive, qualitative,
quantitative, significative and unitive
(beg to differ if ye think me perverse)
both scenarios prone to stress and strain,
difficulties can arise evacuating bowels
gluteus maximus muscles severely pursed,
radiating sharp stabbing sensations
behind junk in trunk quarters felt
until bulging temple veins ready to burst,
where piles of hemorrhoids
foul rectum tortured and accursed
necessitating Judas Priest well versed
to issue last rites while
appropriate official dull livers worst
news to missus, whose
inconsolable sympathies nursed,
nevertheless bit torrent of sorrow
honor alone time with grateful dead
subsequently finds medical personnel disbursed,
privately newly minted widow mourning
tears for fears immersed
bemoaning sudden permanent absence
gone fore e'er foremost farter figure first
instance obliterated, when posterior
uproariously (actually not funny)
inflicted hemorrhage emergency,
die hard ludicrous poet (me) experienced
all expense chauffeured ride in hearst
aforementioned purportedly roughly comparable,
courtesy hearsay, when
hypothetical woman with child,
(here, I metaphorically paraphrase)
as maven ready to take aim giving birth
(nine months after satiating
hankering call of the wild
buzzfeeding miracle worker whipped thirst,
and temporarily appeased
inherent maternal yearning
to beget offspring, then... off to races
sprinting at greased lightning speed
amazingly enough slightly protruded womb,
(among other fledgling
and/or practiced moms avid runners
all touted as winners relay race crossing
finish line simultaneously
comprising distance measuring more'n verst.
It's coming to your planet from out there
Sooner if you watch the news channel first
2006 QV89 is alive and well and almost here
It can't wait to kill you on September 10th.
Most likely you could lose an eye or tooth
Not civilization as you know it
Coroners and vehicles line up to size you up
Is it bigger than a bus or truck?
Is it larger than a soccer field in Argentina?
Reporters want to cover asteroids in space
But they are way too busy watching Trump
Hemorrhoids will have to do
If only I watched less news reports
If only I were born on Mars
I'm too young to die by meteors
Like taxes they should be avoided
Can I add rock impacts to my insurance?
Is there life after asteroids?
*Authors note: There is a less than 99% chance of this asteroid hitting Earth. There is a less than .01% chance of it hitting a populated area. 2006 QV89 comes up on a "probability list" so the news media needs some filler so they rattle some cages and torture small animals (That would be us.) Can I buy Fake News insurance?
Tater's and beer
In another privileged day of excitement
Look at me, friend, a belch has the sense to appear
Like a spit in a tube, with a reason to rube, I know a foolish hickey to relent
Like a child of the stars, the poise of uncertainty
Has become ours, to let a swallow of many and might
Become the secret of misery no one is saying, publicly...?
What the hell rhymes with muscles and care, if I do it myself up right?
A mouse wanders by, daring us to catch itself in a trap
Wow, it says, the misery I notice and due, is a little vague...
Suppose the danger of me and reality is for any and all, a hosting crap
That seems to be taters and beers, having a good time at my imagination's rage?
where frozen embers still burn
my doctor says is a thing you earn
i ask him if it is a large mass
as he quietly looks up my ass
i politely tell him it is on this side not there
he says he is being thorough there a pair
true i guess though i'm sure one hangs lower
much lower than the other up and over
where frozen embers still burn
i thought had cleared up in my youth
i knew i shouldn't have slept with Ruth
i should have done an about turn
everyone warned me about her
in fact that's why i courted her
what they thought i should fear
sounded like music to my ear
i lost the other ear while i was out hunting
there's a frozen ember i still hear ringing
just then i hear the Doc yell with an echo
his face still behind me his mouth down low
its not your balls those are hemorrhoids
boy their big they must be on steroids
be sensitive there sir those are my parts
makes you want to release a couple of farts
where frozen hemorrhoids burn and hang
no woman should yearn to touch or bang
i'll get them removed my dear lassies
don't mind mine and i won't your falsies
if per chance this deep poetry i just penned
has got you hot and thinking of my tight end
where frozen embers still burn my heart is yours
a woman as special as you this old man adores
Mona Lisa’s crooked smile
on a half-crushed Campbell’s Soup can
Joe Dimaggio reciting his pronouns uneasily
then lowering his batting hand
into a scalding hot cup
of ‘Mr. Coffee’
Where have you gone, Mrs. Robinson?
Where else? to the bathroom
~ Hemorrhoids again
Barney Fife whittling Andy’s image to
sawdust with a rusty pocket-knife
-- contracting tetanus in the process
Andy Warhol grinning madly as the
word ‘culture’ is finally eliminated
from America’s lexicon
~ All hail to pink, plastic flamingoes! ~
Bad Bad Bad Bad Sympathy
I Don't Know What
Periods Are Like
But My Hemorrhoids
Are Really Bad Today!
TMI
No No No No No No No No No...
Don't Post This Don't Post This
Don't Post This Don't Post This
PLEASE! Don't Post This!
Try N' Stop Me.
(I'm Gonna Get It.)
See?
I Told You: 5 Posts A Day.
Now, You've Wasted That.
Uhn-uhhhhhhh.................
Not Today, Man.
You Don't Know What Suffering Is.
Wait.
Just To Say I Don't Know @#$@?
I Guess So.
You're Gonna Wait And Post This Later, Aren't You?
I Guess So.
Who Are You< Man?
Stop Adding To This!
YoU've Got To Know When To Stop .
(At Least YoU Can.)
I Added Another 'Bad' To The Title.
Thanks.
Don't Mention It.
TickTockTickTockTickTockTickTock.
Get Away From HERE!
Not YoU.
It Needs Another 'Bad" Now.
STOP.
Now Look At The Mess You've Made Of Everything.
Oh, Get Over Yourself.
Have You Had Breakfast Yet?
Which Day?
Itchy.
I Won't Be The Same Squirrel Later...
I'm ALREADY Different!
Man, You ARE Crazy.
I'd Say "Get Over Yourself,"
But That Never Works.
I Changed My Avatar:
That Is Soooooooooooo Much Better.
-Gray Squirrel
05-19-2025