Best Parson Poems
Bat Masterson was hired as a gamblin' boss at the Denver Saloon in 1891,
In a town high in the Rockies, Creede by name; he took no guff from anyone!
The rowdy saloon, restaurant and gamblin' hall ran twenty-four hours a day;
Bat patrolled the place with a pair of 44's on his hips to keep ruffians at bay!
One night he was approached by Parson Tom Uzzell who asked to preach,
As he was wont to do in minin' camps, hopin' fer errant souls to reach!
With misgivin's a sermon might dampen play, Bat banged a bottle on the bar
And told everyone to "remove yer hats while Parson Tom preaches over thar!"
After the sermon Bat directed a bar-tender to pass the hat for Parson Uzzell.
"Be generous with yer coin, then ya'll can continue with yer booze to guzzle"
"Boys, I'm a-thankin' ye", said Tom, "I'm gonna build a church in Creede!"
"I had a revelation from God; He said a heap of religion is what you need!"
Bat was a notorious practical joker and while the parson slept that night,
He had 3 of Soapy Smith's con men steal the parson's pants on the slight!
When the silver-laden pants pockets were emptied, $348 was tallied!
The raucous rabble agreed to double that amount when again they rallied!
$700 was collected; Bat put the pants and money in a safe in the saloon.
Tom roared into the saloon next day clad in red long-johns around noon!
Callin' on God to strike down the thief who had stolen his pants and money!
They laughed when Bat gave Tom his pants; even Tom thought it funny!
Honorin' the tradition of big winners, Parson Tom bought a round for all!
'Tis Colorado lore about the prank played on Tom in Denver Saloon Hall!
Once there was a parson named Ezra Heap
Whose Sunday sermons were profoundly deep
The louder Ezra implored
The more his congregants snored
He could never arouse them from their sleep
The old parson ministered to his flock where'er they might dwell,
In his well-traveled buggy drawn by his faithful horse, Old Nell.
Nell and he had weathered snow, rain and stinging gale,
Sharing the Master's Good News throughout rural hill and vale.
A humble country parson was all he ever aspired to be,
Knowing the material rewards would be scarce for his family,
But he had a fire in his soul that transcended all worldly goals.
He dedicated his life to serving humankind and saving languid souls!
The white-maned parson served his far-flung fold with dedication.
He was welcomed by saint and sinner alike with love and admiration!
Whether it be in the local saloon or Victorian parlor, it mattered not,
He put folks at their ease always proffering a pertinent mot!
He encouraged hapless souls stranded upon life's treacherous shoals,
Counseling them, helping to redirect their individual goals.
His congregation sat rapt, hearing his sermons so germane,
Simple messages about the remission of sin for which Christ was slain!
He performed baptisms, weddings and funerals for many generations,
Sharing with folks their sorrows, tears and joyous celebrations!
At the end of his earthly quest, God bestowed upon his brow a crown,
Saying, "Parson, you have served Me and My flock with great renown!
Robert L. Hinshaw, CMSgt, USAF, Retired (© All Rights Reserved)
There once was a sensitive vicar,
who said, "I'm not one to bicker,
but the peal of that bell,
makes me feel quite unwell,
and plays merry hell with my ticker."
An incensed old soul by the spire,
preaching incense-igniting to the choir,
exclaimed, "There is but one catch,
when striking a match,
don't set your surplice on fire."
A parson spoke from the nave,
"Spend all you can, do not save,
if you've spilled all the sands,
and still have time on your hands,
you can't take it with you to the grave."
A wise minister in the kirk,
enlightened, observed with a smirk,
"When it's dark out there,
put your hands in the air,
as many hands make light work.”
Parson Whose Sermon Cotained Arson
Should have heard sermon from the parson;
Would be hot and set you on fire like arson;
Could make you laugh as if Johnny Carson.
Jim Horn
A venerable parson of Hauxwell
of whom men would say that he talks well.
While some ladies did swoon
and went over the moon,
gossiping together how he looks swell.
Another for our local collection.