Best Hooter Poems
FOOTLES FOR THE BIRDS AND THE BEASTS -
Bad-ass old bear:
Grizzly
Grizzly
Dachshund making critical life choices:
Eenie
Weenie...
Cougar from Arizona:
Yuma
Puma
Cowardly Cock-a-Doodle-Doer:
Chicken
Chicken
Slave Driving Beaver:
Dam it
Damn it!
Aptly named female feathered friend:
Robin
Robin
Alaska poacher gets mauled by a:
Polar's
Molars
Overweight Terrier:
Porky
Yorkie
Scavenger Mores:
Vulture
Culture
After sex, bears often share a:
Yogi
Stogie
Neutered Tomcat:
Benign
Feline
Wolf in Sheep’s clothing:
Mutton
Glutton
Proportionally, male Dachshunds have:
Teenie
Weenies
(But size isn't everything)
.........................................
RANDOM AND RATHER REDICULOUS FOOTLES -
Overweight law enforcement official:
Whopper
Copper
Overweight Janitor:
Whopper
Mopper
Spaced-out church officer:
Freekin’
Deacon
Church officer forced to depend on Depends:
Leakin'
Deacon
Unhappy restaurant client:
Diner
Whiner
Cosa Nostra restaurant special:
Mobster
Lobster
Yep, you guessed it. A criminal Crustacean:
Lobster
Mobster
Why did she slap me? All I did was:
Toot her
Hooter
Careless Urologist:
Pecker
Wrecker
Categories:
hooter, funny,
Form:
Footle
Santa, I have an important request.
Please don't embarrass me with ho ho hos.
If you'd looked at my face you might have guessed.
I'm serious about fixing my nose.
I can sense you are stifling your laughter.
Your bowl full of jello, nicely restrained.
Proboscis happily ever after,
Would not appear that it's been candy caned.
Hire a team of rhinoplasty surgeons.
I create damaging winds with this thing.
Like the limb of an oak tree it burgeons.
Just yesterday a blue jay perched to sing.
Hurry, Dear Santa, its growth won't abate.
Go talk to Rudolph, as he can relate.
***********************************
There may be some problems I must address.
Lies emitted from hole under my snout.
Pains me Santa, I readily confess.
Please be patient as I utter these out.
I lied to Sonya about her red dress.
Made her butt dwarf a Volkswagen fender.
I lied to the postman, my home address.
Marked the water bill "Return To Sender".
I fibbed a little to co-worker, Sue.
Her peanut butter cookies smelled like feet.
But tell me, what the heck was I to do?
I wrapped and hid it in a slice of meat.
Santa, I am a serial liar.
Instead of my pants, set my nose on fire.
***********************************
I'll do better if button nose gifted.
I promise to be more a straight shooter.
A smaller nose, my spirits be lifted.
Seriously, would you want this hooter?
The fibs I told did no permanent harm,
But if you would like I can change all that.
Who "nose"? I may lose my personal charm.
If I tell my friend Sonya she is fat.
If you leave money in an envelope,
I'll pay the water bill before it's due.
I can rub Sue's cookies with fragrant soap.
For a nose job, I will eat one or two.
Santa, I know you smell something is rot.
But I am here to assure you, it's snot.
Written 12/12/2017
"From My Lips to Santa's Ears"
Contest
Hosted by Phillip Garcia
Categories:
hooter, christmas, holiday, humor, humorous,
Form:
Sonnet
My heart was pumping hard that day I faced the maddening crowd,
Despite the spinning in my head I stood there mighty proud.
Though racked with pain my reddened hand acknowledged them a wave
And to this day I've ne'er forgot, the accolades they gave.
It was a dream come true you see to stand there in that ring,
For rodeo was in my blood and one day I'd be king.
The beast I drew was mean and lean ... no Chainsaw I admit,
But still if I could just ride time I'd show them I had grit.
I'd limbered up behind the chute preparing for the ride,
Well knowing what was just ahead, but took it in my stride.
The chute boss called, "You've drawn chute five, get down and make it quick."
Then as I eyed the beast below ... I suddenly felt sick.
That brute it tried to climb the gate and bellowed cries of fear,
While chute hands fought to organise the necessary gear.
I felt the violent quiver of the hide between my chaps,
The smell of sweat, the cry of men ... a change of mind perhaps?
Too late I felt the rope pulled taut and shoved within my glove,
I thought it's now or never mate and sent a prayer above.
Then as I pulled my Colly down I yelled out, "Let him go!"
The gate flew open ... it was on ... 'twas time to rodeo.
With whites of eyes all full of hate that beast did twist and turn,
'Twas obvious my frame aboard was something he did spurn.
Eight seconds on this beast from hell seemed like eternity,
For ev'ry muscle which I owned screamed out in agony.
Between the jars and twists and turns I heard the crowd all cheer,
Then at long last that blessed sound of hooter in my ear.
The pick up man then pulled me clear and was I proud ... not half!
I'll ne'er forget that day old mate I rode that poddy calf.
Categories:
hooter, funny, day, prayer, day,
Form:
Rhyme
Every piece of furniture I am becoming attached
Is that possible?
Nah cannot be
You cannot become attached to things - personal things
Just like you cannot become attached to people
I am tired of being the mannequin
Guinea pig - whatever you call it
For God to try His hands on
I am not too sure if I want to be the first in everything
It seems I got hit the hardest
Just like the first born
The parent likes to try everything
And learn it along the way
And they go easier on the later born
That is the way I feel
First it's a yay
Now it's nay
Make up Your mind
Or You can have both
Just take both off
As I don't want it neither
Tired of dealing with You
Don't want to deal with You no more
Go - no go
Don't matter to me
As I don't give a hooter
Lol whatever
I am getting to a point where I don't really care
See who gives a hoot
I no longer COOPERATE
You can do it all on Your own
As I no longer want it
You think I do?
Well You can shove it
As it no longer means s to me
Just the way You want it
Because I cannot do anything that You don't want me to do
But I am doing it
So there
Hope You are happy
And be blessed
And don't ask me for anything
Because the answer is going to be "no"
I mean it
Don't
Categories:
hooter, faith,
Form:
Free verse
Slave-driving beaver:
"Dam it
Damn it!"
Unhappy restaurant client:
Diner
Whiner
Neutered Tomcat:
Benign
Feline
Why did she slap me? All I did was:
Toot her
Hooter
Careless Urologist:
Pecker
Wrecker
Categories:
hooter, funny,
Form:
Footle
Parents pushing perambulators
Meeting many mothers
Coffee , cake and chat
Babies bottles to boobs
Hurry home to hubby
Hubby holding hooter
Nappy, not nice.
Baby blowing bubbles
Shower sex sleep
Luxury, lazy lie-in
Hubby having hysterics.
Siana sick over Sean
Cosy cwtch cancelled
Categories:
hooter, baby, humorous, husband,
Form:
Alliteration
To the owner of the minivan conveniently blocking my exit:
May the sweat of a thousand footballers invade your nostril
May the sound of a truck hooter invade your thoughts so shrill
May you freely step into the dung of hundred elephants
May your journey be accompanied by a thousand chants
May your daybreak end in a two kilometer traffic standstill
May your thoughtlessness be repaid in proper and full
May your windscreen need cleaning at every stop
May a red paintbucket on your bald head drop
May you be mooned by a tribe of impis
May a hundred roosters awaken you tomorrow
May your every step result in a wish
A wish that you never blocked my exit!
Categories:
hooter, dedication
Form:
Free verse
I accept what i need offer up what's left
Let ridicule fall on ears that are deft
Just as a fisherman catches fish on his hook
I write out my poems and put together books
The reason I do it is clear as can be
I feel it's what the Lord ask of me
For 41 years I had no idea I was a poet
But if I couldn't cook it I could damn sure grow it
My life consumed by Marijuana and speed
Trusting in them to provide what I need
They replaced my job and even my love
They were everything that I held above
They picked me up whenever i felt low
If I got to high they helped me to slow
No, I didn't write poems or watch the T.V.
Never touched a computer said, "Thats not for me"
Traded in the girls because the next on was cuter
Woke up with a shot went to bed with a hooter
I would run day and night until I would drop
Running more from myself than from any cop
I chemically induced away all my dreams
See rivers take mothers after being formed by streams
These days my head feels like it's in a vice
I'll tell you right now my pains nothing nice
Weekly shots I take for the Hepatitis C
Epidural Steroid blocks in the spine for me
Every doctor I see I greet with a smile
Not feeling to good but I will after while
They say my attitude is one that is great
I see the beauty of love with no time for the hate
I have no reason for anger or time to be mad
No reason for all that this is my bad
This isn't that bad hell I've suffered more
At least I can turn my knob and walk out the door
Reality is real but it's also a dream
Things that are clear may not be as they seem
The Lord is my master to whom which I serve
For he's already given me more than I deserve
Children who love me and a beautiful wife
All the blessings a man needs in life
So Doctor tell me how can I not smile
At least I'm not alone walking this mile
I have you guys and the Lord walking with me
And thats about as beautiful as beautiful can be
I dedicate this poem to all of my doctors
Dr. Garrison - Primary
Dr. Merliss - Neurologist
Dr. Aldwari - Infectious Disease Specialist
Dr. Johnson- Pain Management Specialist
Dr. Beck - Physical Therapist
I feel very blessed to have such a fine
team working so hard on my recovery.
I also wish to thank everyone for all the
Prayers I have received. I love you guys.
Categories:
hooter, caregiving, faith, friendship, health,
Form:
Couplet
hear others out there, just beyond my wall-wrapped sharing space
they break on through, sneaking inside my head
far above, front-nosed pilots point high-flying seated people tubes
passengers squeezed in tight, some feeling dread
as jet engines cloud-buffet, amplifying reverberations
chimney-chambers funnelling their muffled sound
momentary fear spills downward into the peaceful living-room
then gone, soon forgotten, on journeys bound
clank and clang, lift-arm lorries crawling slowly by the gateway
sin bins scooped, coloured cravings half-consumed
cascades of clinking glass crescendo, bottle-bank vomiting noise
rapid cadence, ambient drone resumed
programmed heat, timed with boiler clicks, powering-up, igniting
cold metal creaks around expanding joints
curtains swish, blinds roll open, bleary blinking, homely morning eyes
aural sequencing as the day appoints
distant yowl of hooter horn, duly departing commuter train
car doors slam, abrupt jarring intrusion
gauntlet-running mothers compete with pavement-blocking pupils
fumes linger, safety scarring delusion
radio din, depressing electro-magnetic compression
shovelled earth beside the thin blaring-out
men again dig doggedly, patching patches for the umpteenth time
careless strike, gushing hiss of waterspout
road tyres clip, manholes rattle, drum the brief mid-morning lullaby
rise and fall, the doppler siren speeding
two-wheeled tiny engine buzz, irritating as it nears the ears
loudspeaker hails, vies for votes its pleading
post person presents the parcels, delivering rat-a-tat-tat
cats scurry as scratching dogs lunge and bark
then sudden bang, spread-eagled pigeon, wingspan on window-pane
stunned, fluttering, hoping to reach the park
Categories:
hooter, day, Lullaby, morning, sound,
Form:
Verse
Still got hair, don't need a toupee
Even though my ancient body decays
Eat lots of tubers
A healthy old hooter
As I near the finale of my life long ballet
© Jack Ellison 2015
Categories:
hooter, happiness,
Form:
Limerick
copyright© shonima burman
In the deep darkness of night,
They complete their silent flight.
With a flat face and forward facing eyes,
They rotate their head and neck upto 270 degrees.
Despite having binocular vision,
Their eyes are completely immobile in action.
Ear tufts are meant for camouflage and aggression,
These birds are shrewd and quick in predation.
With ears set asymmetrically on their skull,
These carnivorous birds have coloration mostly dull.
Mainly live on eating insects and small rodents,
They constitute an important part of the ecosystem.
They create a wide variety of vocalization,
They are an unique wonder of God's creation!
Categories:
hooter, bird, night,
Form:
Rhyme
skeleton tree
logging for a branch
illumines hooter eyes
tweaking owl night
**Phil J.
Categories:
hooter, nature,
Form:
Haiku
The first derriere shot,
that killed everyone’s appetite,
came from a second-rate,
light tipping looter
A no-class hothead bum,
who had bun fiddy no-good burger
burglar instincts
Amateur night out
introduced a new bottom bang-bang
beatnik on the back end drum —
A queasy gut alley cat
addicted to
the sugar:
white powdered yum-yum
Twitchy turned into a bad olfactory rat,
when he got glutty on the job ...
and belly forgot to pack his Tums
Intestinal spastic shock
sent the masked night hooter
crooning outhouse slop jar
bullet belch serenades:
Involuntary gastro scattershots
First person pooter,
behind-the-back six-grunt shooter
Separating good friends and loved ones
from their paid ambience indulgence
First person pooter,
fast sphincter sewer hole Roto-rooter
Giving fatal flatulent body shots:
a culinary coroner table experience —
Breath held, back bent ... restroom sent
Unfiltered air
on a cadaver nose, dead zone blast
Collecting all fine dining tips,
with a rancid mist that withers grass
Amateur Rooti-toot Tooter
got a bad air attitude
Graduated last
in How-to-be-a-Crook class
Now he’s Number One Most Wanted
First person pooter
Cold dish crook with blazing cheek guns —
He’s such a quick draw
backdoor shooter
Categories:
hooter, allusion, fun, humor, imagery,
Form:
Burlesque
As you are aware I get what I call my inspiration, if that’s the word, for my poems from news items and a comment by Meryl Streep at the recent awards ceremony for actors/actresses /films etc. in America caught my attention.
Meryl Streep criticised Donald Trumps!
By Stanley R Harris.
The new mad Author.
We are all great actors in this wide, wild world.
Some actors make the limelight and the press hang on to their every word.
Jokes made in this day on anyone or anything.
Are not for us to moan and groan and say you cannot say that thing.
Disabled persons, white, black, man or woman, Brighton landladies as well.
All laugh at one another, unless you’re an actor as well.
So do your acting you actors/actresses, etc. whoever you pretend you are.
But please, leave the jokers alone, as we all do like a laugh.
I wonder why you award yourselves with Oscar masks so bright.
As I wonder how many takes it takes, to get your scene just right.
Do you not laugh on or off the set? Do you moan and groan each day?
Just leave the jokers you don’t like, don’t laugh at them I say.
I have been in a wheelchair, on crutches two as well.
And now I have a walking stick with a hooter not a bell.
And bless, that gets a blinking laugh and I’m pleased to tell.
When I see those people laugh at me, well bless, I blinking laugh as well.
We all are actors in a way, some of us not so well known.
But honest if you can make folk laugh, that’s better than greeting a drone.
As if receiving one of them, you might not have a home.
So if Mr. D Trump when he’s president can make Mr V Putin laugh.
And world peace can be started, who then has the last laugh?
Categories:
hooter, happiness, joy, peace, words,
Form:
In Scotland, it is illegal to be drunk in possession of a cow
But is it legal to make love to a cow while drunk
A man named Ronald MacDonald once robbed Wendy's
That sure sounds like a whole lot of burger bunk
There's actually a city in Turkey called 'Batman'
The law states all young boys must be named Robin
'Climax', Cumming' and 'Gay' are city names in Georgia
Need to be very liberal minded in the land of cotton
There's a city in Missouri named 'Licking' oh boy!
Also, one named 'Butts', that's a real hooter
A boy in a Florida was arrested for disruptive behavior
Excessive farting turned off classmates computers
Sony once accidentally sold 700,000 camcorders
That had the technology to see through people's clothing
Mozart wrote a canon entitled 'Leck mich im Arsch/
Translates to 'Lick me in the ****' naughty composing
Amazingly a man once wore 70 items of clothing
To avoid an airline's extra baggage charge
In a deck of cards, the only king without a mustache
Is the handsome debonaire King of Hearts
A Canadian farmer once rented ad space on his cows
His cows went on strike for a piece of the action
A book titled 'Everything Men Know About Women'
Filled with 128 blank pages which is only a fraction
Though they won't admit it, women fart as much as men
They cough out loud to disguise their big boomers
Takes forty-two muscles in your face to make a frown
Just four to smack someone's head needing a suture
Categories:
hooter, fun,
Form:
Narrative