Best Funnybaby Poems
Whilst walking down the street one day,
I saw upon the drain,
A little green dill pickle,
That was beaten by the rain.
I picked it up and took it,
To my house upon the hill.
I placed it in a tiny bed.
I named it, Baby Dill.
I nursed it back to bright green health.
Its flesh was plump and firm.
Whenever I would touch it,
I'm sure I saw it squirm.
One day when I noticed,
My babies wrinkly skin.
I grabbed a jar of pickle juice,
And I promptly threw it in.
Within a couple of hours,
I thought I'd better check.
My baby dill was missing.
I was just a wreck.
That's when I saw my brother,
He was sitting in his chair.
Eating my dill pickle.
As if he didn't care.
This was the hardest lesson,
I've ever had to learn.
Now I can't eat pickles.
They make my stomach turn.
Once there was a girl, little hood,
She was a fine mamma, looking good.
Hood decided to take a walk
Didn’t see the wolf watching her like a hawk.
Mesmerised by her swinging ass
He trailed behind watching her sway with class
He said “I gotta have a piece of hood,”
“That ass is juicy and good for food.”
Suddenly he stopped with a frightful stare
Across from her was mamma, papa and baby bear.
The notorious trio who did goldilocks
Just down the road about three blocks
Wolf said “I’m not gonna stand for this.”
The Wolf now was getting pissed.
He draws his ooze and colt 44
Rat a tat tat mama , papa and baby no more.
Smoke clears and he sees hoods’ on the floor
“F--k!” he screams “I killed my wh-re.”
She stirs and looks at him with a smile,
Hood says “Bad boy tonight you get to do d--gystyle.”
"I'm hungry!" Said Farmer Bill;
"that's what I'mah thinkin!
Perhaps I'm in the mood for you!"
-He said, pointing to chicken.
"Yes chicken's what I'm pickin’,
I'll take you to the kitchen!"
-“Oh Nooooooo” said Baby Grace,
so, Farmer Bill moved on.
“I'm hungry!” Said Farmer Bill;
“I'm open to suggestions!
Perhaps I'm in the mood for you”,
-he said, pointing to pheasant.
“A pheasant would be pleasant,
and a most delicious present!”
-“Oh Nooooooo” said Baby Grace,
so, Farmer Bill moved on.
“I'm hungry!” Said Farmer Bill;
“Just hear my tummy whine!
Perhaps I'm in the mood for you”,
-he said, pointing to swine.
“A swine would taste just fine,
Breakfast, dinner, anytime!”
-“Oh Nooooooo” said Baby Grace,
so, Farmer Bill moved on.
“I'm hungry!” Said Farmer Bill;
“How much longer must I take this?
Can't have chicken, can't have eggs,
How I miss my crispy bacon!”
“Oh Nooooooo” said Baby Grace.
And as she held up a fruit,
Farmer Bill said; "just what I wanted!
Apple's are my favorite food."
In Praise of Women
By Elton Camp
How thankful I am for womankind.
Who for bearing babies are designed.
If all us men could the same to do,
There might be one, but never two.
It is a thought I cannot abide,
Having another person inside.
To think you, for months, are fated
To wake up each morning nauseated.
There’s nothing to do but to understand
Most of a year, your waist will expand.
And when about halfway done,
Baby starts to have much fun.
He must think it’s quite a trick
To give his mother a hard kick.
And still bigger, bigger grows he
Till mother out of balance will be.
Atop her bladder he does perch.
Up and down he likes to lurch.
To the bathroom she has to go
Most every time the kid does so.
If a baby stood on my bladder,
It would be a serious matter.
It wouldn’t feel so very neat
Being stomped by little feet.
Then the baby begins to knock at the door.
“You can’t keep me inside here anymore.”
Female pelvis is made quite wide
Between the bones baby can slide.
Daddy’s broad at shoulder and narrow at hip
So there’s not enough room for a baby to slip.
And I now have this final word here to say:
It is just this, “For all women, a big hooray.”
And there he was all dressed in black
Stuffing the baby in his sack
His pants below his waist, do-rag on his head
And below his hat, Santa had a dread
He was a rough-tuff, buff man
Rings on his fingers and tattoos on his hand
His sleigh was tricked out
It was a black and gold mustang with an engine that shout
Inserting drugs might be crazy
But that's exactly what he did to the baby
He took a needle and stuck it in her arm
Didn’t really care if he caused any harm
He used the baby as his lab rat
Testing drugs, using needles that were long and fat
When he stuck it in, the baby cried
She ODed and almost died
Santa just couldn't take it anymore
He shut the door and gave her what she was crying for
Form:
it's a song, but unfortunately can't find the link just now
My Baby Hates True Crime Shows
Copyright Corinne Curcio July 31, 2008
Every night me and my baby fight over the remote
She wants to watch election news
I yawn, "Not now honey
That just makes me snooze
I wanna see Forensic Files, Most Evil and Deranged"
She finds that scary and a little strange
Mutilated, decapitated, look at the brain splatter
I'm totally fascinated
Honey, come and watch
Hey - what's the matter?
But she runs from the room in abject horror
She likes Project Runway not Jeffrey Dahmer
My Baby Hates True Crime Shows
She cries Oh No No No
They have got to go go
It's not fair to me
I'll be having nightmares
From all of these True Crime Shows
Please have pity!
Torture Murder Mayhem, gooey pools of blood
Didn't the downstairs neighbor
Hear the bullet riddled body thud?
One guy gouged out eyeballs
Another sawed off feet
Some kooks cooked up Victim Stew
When they sat down to eat
Sweetheart, don't look Hide your eyes behind a book
Before they show where the headless torso lies
Put fingers in your ears, I don't want you to hear
How that poor old lady dies!
My Baby Hates True Crime Shows
She cries On No No No
They have got to go go
It's not fair to me
I'll be having nightmares
From all of these True Crime Shows
Please have pity!
I have a little baby who drives me up the wall
The baby will not listen to any thing at all
It runs around like crazy and messes up the house
I wonder where it is when it is quiet as a mouse
The baby's into everything and is a constant pest
it never seems to know that there is danger in it's quest
The baby makes me worried that it may hurt itself
By getting into unsafe things I've put up on a shelf
The baby got me angry when it broke a lovely dish
and made me mad when I saw that it killed all of my fish
but even at it's worst I don't wish to cause it pain
I want to keep it safe and sound which helps to keep me sane
I think I'll have to teach it that it has to toe the line
before the little devil drives me right out of my mind
I know I have an answer now to keeping baby safe
I'm not sure that it's legal but I must make it behave
I know where baby is now at any time of day
I also know that it is safe and where it has to play
It isn*t in the bedroom, in the kitchen or the hall
I have it in the living room taped up against the wall
Flipitty flopoty foo
My mom says
The woman’s gone mad
She is talking to my sis and makes funny faces
Here comes the train choo choo
Says my dad
He is going weird to
Has the world gone mad
She is looking at me
That little girl
She is smiling
How could she be smiling when the worlds gone crazy
I wonder if she’s to cause
Making them talk funny
I wonder if she could do that
Oh no what am I thinking she is doing this
Sure she looks cute
Sure she looks adorable
But I promise you
That baby is horrible
I tried to tell my mom
But she things I’ve been bitten by the green monster
Now the baby has a pet
What’s going on
I tried to tell my dad
He laughs and says I’m going mad
What is up with world
More importantly what is up with this little girl
I need to lie down
This is just a bad dream
After my nap
Maybe this will disappear
When I awake the baby is in my face
She laughs
I scream
And now she is crying
I try to calm her down
I try to pick her up
But she weighs like hundred pounds
Mom comes in she says what’s this about
And what did I do
I said nothing
And she said I was lying
I said no I’m not
And she said now you’re talking back
Has the world gone mad
Now you see what I have trying to tell you
What are you talking about
She is evil
I say
She has been making you and daddy talk funny
She said that’s the way you talk t babies
I say ok
And she walks away
My point has been proven
The babies can control your mind
Now I’m only two but
She won’t get in my head
But I can officially say everyone else has gone absolutely and utterly mad
Form:
Grandpa Changes the Baby
By Elton Camp
“Dad, I need to run down to the grocery store.
Wanna watch Junior as you’ve done before?”
He told his daughter they two would be okay
That he and baby would enjoy a chance to play
She hadn’t been gone but a very short while
When he smelled an odor very rank and vile
Grandpa started to call her on her cell phone
Before from the house she was too far gone
He thought, “Hey, I’ve done this a lot before.
So I can surely handle just one time more.”
The last diaper change had been many a day
But he had no doubt that he recalled the way
But as he got started, he suddenly did recall
He had changed diapers wet, but that was all
When his own baby had done “number two,”
Then that had always been his wife’s job to do
Grandpa whispered, “Oh, my goodness, darn.
This cute baby smells exactly like an old barn.”
But his grandchild’s need he just had to meet
So diaper removal and clean-up he did complete
Just as he was about to put a clean one in place
It was a stream of urine that hit him in the face
In the future, when that occasion arose again
“Why don’t we all go?” he said with a grin