Wonder
The pain my mind throws over me is visceral
I can feel it deep within my bones, my soul, my very existence
It's screaming to get out and it burns my throat without end
It envelops my brain without resolution
It digs into my memories and brings out all my shame, humiliation, and heartbreak
It takes everything in me not to shout out loud, not to scrape the pain away, not to give in to it.
I see my reflection in the mirror, tears streaking my face, and I flinch away
I follow people's reaction to me and a shred of me dies every time
I refuse to find sleep and make it all go quiet, even if only for a few hours
And sleep evades me as I lie in bed, unable to respond to the pain that drowns me second by second.
I wonder if I'll ever heal or if I'll just wither away, consumed by the hurt that travels through my body and makes me numb.
I wonder if I'll ever be myself again
I wonder if I'll ever trust again
I wonder if I'll ever live again
I just wonder.
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