Will I Still Go To Heaven If I Envy?

I watch them from the corner of my eye. (because I don't want them to think I'm weird) I wonder how I could get what they have. I wonder what happened that made my own mom turn away. Do they know I watch them? Can they see the lump in my throat? Did I blink my tears away quick enough? Do they know? I hope not. I know it's a sin to envy. I just can't stop myself. I want to....I know how it seems. It's embarrassing. It's crazy to want somebody to love you if they don't. But, I still want a mom. One that would come over and visit and ask how the kids are doing. One that offers me a hug when she hears how I'm hurting. One that loves me.