Who You Needed Me To Be

Who you needed me to be I used to be a person who I could feel sorry for I carried all the scars and sadness and felt the bruises on my skin And I was a rag doll But never who you needed me to be You never seemed to feel bad when you hit me And you convinced everyone that my madness made you do it But at 21 , I was eccentric and spoiled And the beatings aged and disturbed me And I never was who you needed me to be Did you think I could recover easily from the blows you dealt me that summer? I am not saying that the sins I committed didn’t make me deserving of the abuse But the way you made me feel after Coupled with denying how you made me suffer and suffer when I ran after you like a puppy You laughed at me You made me cry You hit me You told me I was disgusting You made me hate my body My heart And made me hate to breathe And when I got the strength to leave you You took what I loved most My self respect My network of people who believed in me I thought I could forgive you I could I think If you felt sorry But you don’t You never feel sorry You never loved me As I brought your son here You almost killed me the month before he was born I never mattered And in the last part of my heart I still don’t hate you I just want to know why you hit me Why you made me feel so ugly Why you were so happy when I failed Why you couldn’t wish me well And why you split my mind in two And cracked my heart You see I can never be truly mad Because no one ever protected me from you I am a rag doll just left in a puddle But my baby holds my hand You left me with him God loved me Enough to give me my son from you He took mercy on me And gave me my boy My darling 8 year old boy To make the pain stop